CoffeeTalk XL

Tuesday, June 22, 2021
Facebook Live Video from 2021/06/22-Enlightenment and Claiming Space

Facebook Live Video from 2021/06/22-Enlightenment and Claiming Space


2021/06/22-Enlightenment and Claiming Space

[NEW EPISODE] Enlightenment and Claiming Space

I’ve always been a lover and supporter of all people. I live a life of inclusiveness. Despite being open hearted/minded to all aspects of the #LGBTQIA community, I didn’t really understand transgender. I was, of course, sympathetic and supportive. However, being honest, I didn’t really understand it. In the first half of tonight’s show, I share a crazy story of coincidence and happenstance that led to a personal awakening and a deeper understanding. The story is almost unbelievable and I wish that anyone who didn’t understand could feel what I felt. 

The second half of the show will feature a great discussion with author/consultant/activist/actress/Superwoman, Eliza VanCort about her new bestseller book, “A Woman’s Guide to Claiming Space”. We talk about her journey and her desire to uplift and inspire others. It’s a discussion that both women and men can engage in to better open the lines of communication and mutual respect. 

Join me LIVE every Tuesday night at 8pm. With 1000s listeners in over a dozen countries, this variety talk show features discussion and guests from all walks of life. It is as eclectic as my life and it is a journey through all areas of my life. From being an elite coach to screwing up my own life and losing everything to becoming a fulltime actor and owning three successful businesses and starting my own animal rescue. It’s about how everyone’s life is a multi-act play. 

Tune in for this fun conversation at or watch the Facebook Livestream by Clicking Here.

Show Notes

Segment 1

Kevin opens up this episode by sharing his value of being inclusive of all people, no matter the identity and make-up of a person. He continues to show his support for all communities, including the LGBTQ+ community. However, because he wasn’t educated on transgender people, he is begins to talk more on wanting to learn and understand more about this specific community. To shine a spotlight on Pride month, Kevin hopes to open his listener’s minds and hearts while they listen to this episode. After being casted in a one act play in NYC and getting to know his fellow costar, Brian Michael, he later finds out years later something he wasn’t aware of after running into him at an airport. He continues this story after the break.

Segment 2

Coming back from the break, Kevin continues with this story by talking about his conversation with Brian, his past co-star. Kevin heard Brian was going to be in another television show and that GLAD was involved in this show as well, which sparks his confusion on why GLAD would be included in this. While Kevin was on his plane ride and unable to see the show Brian is on, the next morning he saw the many messages from celebrities praising his friends’ role in the TV show. Eventually, Kevin became more confused as he remembers Brian speaking about his past track records from shot put. However, once Kevin read a headline stating Brian’s groundbreaking work into playing a transgender role as a transgender person on “Queen Sugar”, then, Kevin put everything together and understood Brian is a transgender male. So, he reached out to his friend to further discuss this with him and explain his unawareness of his identity. This understanding helped enlighten Kevin on this community and he wanted to share this great story during Pride month

Segment 3

Now, we are joined by special guest Eliza VanCourt, author of “A Woman’s Guide to Claiming Space”. They originally knew each other while on set of a movie, and now they are here to speak more about her book. After experiencing a difficult brain injury, Eliza was able to understand communication in a deeper way that she wanted to share with the world. But when she found herself answering more questions after her TED talks because females were too afraid to ask them in front of other males, she realized the five main questions she was answering could benefit others if she wrote about this in her book. These five areas of claiming space include claiming space with your physicality and voice, collaborating with others, not displacing yourself or letting others impede on your space, and claiming space intersectionality. Eliza and Kevin discuss the implications of a man not choosing to understand the experiences women go through that they don’t experience, which are written about in this book.

Segment 4

Kevin asks Eliza to share key advice she would give to someone who feels their space is being taken away from someone. Eliza shares that her book is meant to be a guided book, so that her readers can revisit different chapters during various experiences. She believes getting anti-mentors out of your life is one key step you can take to reclaim your space. By identifying an anti-mentor, or someone who takes up your space, it brings you closer to finding a positive mentor in your life that can instead provide support and guidance in your space. They then speak more on the importance of not beating yourself up over past mistakes and working more on what you can do in the present moment with new knowledge and understanding of not taking away space from someone else. By being aware of things that have been handled wrong, it makes it more feasible to not repeat them again in the future. Be sure to buy “A Woman’s Guide to Claiming Space” to learn more on claiming space in your own life!


00:00:33.630 --> 00:00:45.780 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Good afternoon, everybody and welcome to coffee talk XL i'm Kevin barbro and you're listening on coffee you're listening on talk radio dot nyc or you're watching live on.

00:00:46.800 --> 00:00:59.220 Kevin Barbaro Productions: slash talk radio nyc i'm not sure if anybody can see me right now, as a matter of fact, so hang on one second while we try to switch the view here.

00:01:01.050 --> 00:01:10.110 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Because right now all i'm seeing is the talk radio dot nyc logo, but in any event, I know you can hear me.

00:01:11.430 --> 00:01:14.400 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Oh, you can't see me alright well there we go so.

00:01:15.420 --> 00:01:21.360 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Let me just do this and hold on one second folks live.

00:01:22.410 --> 00:01:28.620 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Broadcasting man i'm telling you that's tell roles, so, in any event.

00:01:30.660 --> 00:01:47.520 Kevin Barbaro Productions: appreciate everybody coming back here and listening in on talk radio dot nyc the show it keeps getting bigger and bigger man i'm really excited about it great to see a lot of my friends back from the world of acting and also the world of.

00:01:50.160 --> 00:01:52.080 Kevin Barbaro Productions: concert production, the world of.

00:01:58.380 --> 00:02:10.410 Kevin Barbaro Productions: athletics and whatnot so again I can't I can't even see myself right now so i'm not sure what's going on here with the video feed but regardless I got a great episode for you tonight.

00:02:11.040 --> 00:02:33.060 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I want to talk about a it's pride month right you got to be living under a rock to understand that at this point so here's kind of like a really interesting story a really unique story for me now I said on my oh there I am I said on my.

00:02:34.320 --> 00:02:36.780 Kevin Barbaro Productions: preview to the show that.

00:02:42.090 --> 00:02:49.770 Kevin Barbaro Productions: i've always been an inclusive guy I love everybody I love everybody I I I don't judge anybody I don't.

00:02:51.300 --> 00:02:52.860 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I don't to.

00:02:54.390 --> 00:03:02.010 Kevin Barbaro Productions: it's not my place to make decisions for other people is not my place to judge other people and I don't care where you come from.

00:03:02.580 --> 00:03:20.010 Kevin Barbaro Productions: What color you are what race, you are what ethnicity, you are what religion, you are what orientation that you have it doesn't it doesn't matter to me, the only thing I care about is, are you a good person or you're not a good person that's, the only thing I care about and so.

00:03:21.360 --> 00:03:25.230 Kevin Barbaro Productions: i've always been supportive, particularly in my adult life with.

00:03:26.310 --> 00:03:42.210 Kevin Barbaro Productions: With my friends and my colleagues in it in the LG be TV Q world and but I, being honest, as I was saying in the preview and.

00:03:43.230 --> 00:03:58.950 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I really wasn't educated at all about the world of transgender and I know that because I come from the world of athletics, you know some there a big controversy and a big discussion nowadays is.

00:03:59.880 --> 00:04:13.380 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Is the discussion about you know whether or not trans females should be allowed to compete against SIS male females, and that entire.

00:04:14.700 --> 00:04:15.900 Kevin Barbaro Productions: You know i'm.

00:04:17.280 --> 00:04:32.160 Kevin Barbaro Productions: A controversial i'm not talking about that I I don't want to get into that discussion, but what i'm talking about is just not really being educated and not really understanding.

00:04:33.750 --> 00:04:52.410 Kevin Barbaro Productions: The entire process by which somebody becomes where they want to where they feel as though they they need to transition from male to female or female, the male so i've always been supportive, but I really didn't I really didn't understand it i'm going to tell you something man.

00:04:53.520 --> 00:05:01.770 Kevin Barbaro Productions: This is pride month, and this is something that I think I hope resonates with someone that they can kind of understand the.

00:05:02.880 --> 00:05:05.430 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Entire situation so that they can.

00:05:06.660 --> 00:05:11.190 Kevin Barbaro Productions: open their eyes open their heart open their mind to a little bit more of an understanding here so.

00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:23.580 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Let me start off by saying that the this almost starts, I was before I was an actor, and this is important kind of context the backstory here.

00:05:24.630 --> 00:05:40.410 Kevin Barbaro Productions: So, before I was an actor I be I moved in New York, say, if you want to listen to episode two, or so I talked about my journey, where I was a college coach for over 20 years so 22 years I was an nc double a division one coach.

00:05:41.430 --> 00:05:52.710 Kevin Barbaro Productions: For track and field and cross country and the last 15 of which, as a head coach and really successful had a great career my last 15 years.

00:05:53.310 --> 00:06:03.180 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I was at the University of Toledo university leaders in the mid American Conference, and I was you know MAC coach of the year, five out of the 15 times.

00:06:04.140 --> 00:06:22.230 Kevin Barbaro Productions: We will win five championships and even still to this day i'm the only coach in women's cross country to take three teams, the nc double a Championships in a row in the conference history so had a great career, I was really successful there's a point to me telling all of this, so.

00:06:23.970 --> 00:06:33.870 Kevin Barbaro Productions: About a decade ago everything goes belly up right goes belly up and it's my own fault, I made some terrible life decisions I made some terrible.

00:06:34.620 --> 00:06:43.500 Kevin Barbaro Productions: ethical decisions and I ended up screwing up my whole career i've already talked about this, many, many times over the years on all of my shows, but.

00:06:44.880 --> 00:06:50.160 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Just putting this all into you know further context for everyone so.

00:06:51.780 --> 00:06:52.500 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I.

00:06:55.320 --> 00:07:01.710 Kevin Barbaro Productions: moved to New York City to become an actor and literally live out of my car for 18 months.

00:07:02.970 --> 00:07:10.920 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Again, this is all part of my story, and you can watch the other episodes and then you can hear about it, and so, while I was in the city.

00:07:12.450 --> 00:07:22.380 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I ended up getting cast in a small one actually that was going to be at the producers club which is in hell's kitchen in New York City.

00:07:23.280 --> 00:07:29.700 Kevin Barbaro Productions: If you're an actor, you know exactly what i'm talking about if you're an actor in New York City for sure you you, you know what i'm talking about so.

00:07:30.660 --> 00:07:39.120 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I get cast in this one act play this is, this is about seven years ago, where I was just kind of really starting to get going here, maybe, eight years ago.

00:07:40.620 --> 00:07:42.360 Kevin Barbaro Productions: In the acting world and so.

00:07:44.340 --> 00:07:51.570 Kevin Barbaro Productions: it's my very first night and we're going to have our very first read and it's actually it's a small one act play.

00:07:52.890 --> 00:07:54.180 Kevin Barbaro Productions: i'm cast.

00:07:55.260 --> 00:07:59.460 Kevin Barbaro Productions: As one of the two actors in this play so.

00:08:01.050 --> 00:08:09.510 Kevin Barbaro Productions: We decided to we're going to meet at the other actors apartment which was in Harlem so I take the subway there and.

00:08:10.920 --> 00:08:13.710 Kevin Barbaro Productions: You know I go in and his name is Brian michaels.

00:08:14.700 --> 00:08:24.660 Kevin Barbaro Productions: that's Okay, you know we introduce ourselves, and you know, of course, first time you're meeting somebody in the director was their first time you're meeting somebody just kind of go through the nice things and.

00:08:25.620 --> 00:08:32.760 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And and and the Court rules and a Where are you from etc, so we started talking to you know, he says he's from.

00:08:35.070 --> 00:08:35.940 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Ann arbor Michigan.

00:08:36.960 --> 00:08:48.060 Kevin Barbaro Productions: interesting and to leave i'm not from Toledo, but I lived in Toledo for 15 years so then we get to talk in a little bit further and Brian tells me that.

00:08:50.550 --> 00:09:09.810 Kevin Barbaro Productions: That he was attracting field if he ended up going to Kent State University, and I suppose that's really coincidental I was the track coach at the University of Toledo for 15 years and so Brian doesn't want the heated track that can stay.

00:09:11.430 --> 00:09:12.480 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I didn't remember.

00:09:13.560 --> 00:09:15.210 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I couldn't you know but.

00:09:16.290 --> 00:09:29.010 Kevin Barbaro Productions: That wouldn't have been necessarily that unusual because I was a woman's coach I didn't coach men track and field, particularly the last 13 years of my career, I only specifically coach the women.

00:09:29.820 --> 00:09:38.550 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And so, Brian gets to tell me that he you know, he was a he was a thrower at Kent State University yes man that's really cool and what a coincidence that.

00:09:39.090 --> 00:09:46.710 Kevin Barbaro Productions: You know i'm here in New York and just starting out in my acting career and I used to be a former coach at the University of Toledo and.

00:09:48.150 --> 00:09:57.600 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Here I am paired up with somebody who was a former track athlete in my same sport at Kent State University was right in our Conference.

00:09:58.110 --> 00:10:07.650 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And so, but like I said I had never heard of him and that's fine so we go through the whole thing we start reversing and whatnot when I go home, I decided.

00:10:08.400 --> 00:10:16.740 Kevin Barbaro Productions: i'm going to look this guy just out of curiosity and see if I can find any results for him, and so, when I Google Brian michaels.

00:10:17.640 --> 00:10:25.020 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Kent State University I don't really find any results I can't see where and he said that he was a thrower now.

00:10:25.560 --> 00:10:37.980 Kevin Barbaro Productions: At first I was kind of taken aback that he said he was a thrower because he was he's a little bit on the short side, maybe about five six ish but you know muscular dude you know I but can stay.

00:10:39.390 --> 00:10:48.840 Kevin Barbaro Productions: My good buddy who Nathan finger is the throws coach there and associate head coach it's been there forever he's been there since way back when I was coaching.

00:10:50.100 --> 00:11:00.360 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And he's he's had smaller guys indie guys my size that had become very good at at the throws and so.

00:11:02.760 --> 00:11:11.670 Kevin Barbaro Productions: i'm just maybe wasn't any good, you know it's no big deal, maybe there's walk on you know and never really got to compete whatnot because just kind of a small guy.

00:11:12.090 --> 00:11:21.540 Kevin Barbaro Productions: You know, compared to other throwers and whatnot so anyway, we we do the play together we become we become friends, but become books right.

00:11:22.680 --> 00:11:33.630 Kevin Barbaro Productions: and start following each other through our acting career and he's you know doing we're kind of on a similar trajectory now on personally i'm more of a.

00:11:34.860 --> 00:11:41.730 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Commercial actor I think everybody kind of understands that he sees more of a dramatic actor and.

00:11:43.020 --> 00:11:53.580 Kevin Barbaro Productions: What we're kind of on a similar kind of trajectory and and and and we're talking about during supply aberration stuff so this goes on for like a couple of years right.

00:11:55.770 --> 00:12:04.650 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Anyway, fast forward to about two years ago, so now Brian and I have known each other.

00:12:05.880 --> 00:12:07.620 Kevin Barbaro Productions: and have worked together.

00:12:08.880 --> 00:12:19.080 Kevin Barbaro Productions: On a couple of occasions and and be become you know friends in the in the acting world and communicate, you know through social media and whatnot.

00:12:19.620 --> 00:12:33.420 Kevin Barbaro Productions: For about five years and i'm actually in the city, so at this point now i'm actually a full time actor Now this is, this is only a few years ago i'm a full time actor and I was.

00:12:34.710 --> 00:12:37.920 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Actually, I have two homes, I went to myrtle beach I went to.

00:12:38.940 --> 00:12:41.250 Kevin Barbaro Productions: New York, and I was in my myrtle beach home.

00:12:42.600 --> 00:12:45.360 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I had to go back to the city for a callback.

00:12:46.980 --> 00:12:54.450 Kevin Barbaro Productions: For either a movie or something big something you know significant enough that I would fly back to the city, so I fly into the city.

00:12:55.740 --> 00:13:00.090 Kevin Barbaro Productions: into laguardia take the train in well i'll take the bus and then the train.

00:13:01.650 --> 00:13:13.680 Kevin Barbaro Productions: into the city I go and do the callback and as i'm heading back up to i'm walking up seventh avenue to go to Madison square garden, which is where penn station is.

00:13:14.340 --> 00:13:27.030 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And as i'm walking up 7000 do me this kind of like the world of actually running your your friends Oh, I see Brian over on the side and he's on the phone.

00:13:27.750 --> 00:13:37.470 Kevin Barbaro Productions: In kind of like the entry way to to look like a bank or something they're on seventh avenue like need around 28 street or so.

00:13:38.130 --> 00:13:45.570 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And you know he's in he's in a conversation I don't want to interrupt your screen to see a blah blah blah and so.

00:13:46.290 --> 00:13:51.960 Kevin Barbaro Productions: he's like listen listen wait wait and I want to, I want to talk to you I just got to finish up this phone call.

00:13:52.440 --> 00:14:11.340 Kevin Barbaro Productions: So I kind of sit back and you know kind of just you know, on my phone or whatever waiting for him to finish up his phone call and we're actually going to go to our first commercial break right now, when I come back i'm going to finish this story and it, it really is fascinating a.

00:14:12.900 --> 00:14:20.820 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Quite a build up here for last 30 minutes, but in any event, I decided that i'm going to wait i'm going to wait for him to get off the phone.

00:14:21.330 --> 00:14:34.350 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And then we're going to finish our conversation, and when I come back from the commercial break i'm going to finish that conversation and see where it leads i'm Kevin Moore bro you're listening to coffee talk XL on talk radio dot nyc.

00:17:01.590 --> 00:17:12.210 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Welcome back everyone i'm Barbara and you're listening to coffee talk XL on talk radio dot nyc so i'm telling that story about.

00:17:13.530 --> 00:17:21.450 Kevin Barbaro Productions: myself and my friend, Brian michaels who is an actor in New York City and i'm walking through the city and.

00:17:23.580 --> 00:17:27.930 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I run into him so he says hey wait a second you know he's on the phone and whatnot so.

00:17:29.160 --> 00:17:38.790 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Key and I have had lots of conversations over the course of time about just life in general and and and and.

00:17:39.300 --> 00:17:59.280 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And the analogies between in the world of athletics all of acting because we both came from athletics, and so we probably just discussion so anyway, he gets off the phone he's like hey man i'm just so excited to see etc, etc, I had seen on social media that morning that.

00:18:00.780 --> 00:18:11.820 Kevin Barbaro Productions: He was going to be on a national TV show that night I seen it on Twitter or Facebook, or something like this, and so I was.

00:18:12.630 --> 00:18:26.670 Kevin Barbaro Productions: congratulating him and he's like yeah it's just really been crazy, you know there's just been a lot of interviews and all this kind of stuff and i'm thinking in my head like it was it's interesting you know I I I i'm excited for them.

00:18:27.690 --> 00:18:35.880 Kevin Barbaro Productions: But i've been on national TV before i've been wildly different shows have been in movies, and then tons of commercials and stuff and I.

00:18:37.650 --> 00:18:47.880 Kevin Barbaro Productions: i've never been in a situation where it was like that big of a deal, to be frank and so i'm just in my head i'm like well it's kind of interesting that that there's like this big deal about it.

00:18:48.720 --> 00:18:57.060 Kevin Barbaro Productions: But i'm not really kind of processing the whole thing so he's like yeah you know and and glad has really gotten involved, which is just wonderful.

00:18:57.630 --> 00:19:21.960 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And i'm like wow that's really cool you know i'm really i'm just so happy for you now, while we're having a conversation in my head i'm trying to kind of grasp why glad would be involved because Brian when I went to his house the very first time, five years ago, I met his wife and.

00:19:24.510 --> 00:19:31.350 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And so i'm thinking well in my head, you know not having the conversation with him well, maybe.

00:19:32.010 --> 00:19:44.370 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Maybe he's I don't know bisexual or you know some me I really don't know I don't really care, one way or the other it's just but i'm just kind of trying to wrap my head around like land with this, and so.

00:19:46.770 --> 00:19:57.660 Kevin Barbaro Productions: we finish our conversation I fly back to myrtle beach now I missed the show that he was on because I was actually on the plane and so.

00:19:58.740 --> 00:20:08.580 Kevin Barbaro Productions: i'm actually on my plane and and I I don't have an opportunity to watch the show that Brian was was on and that he was talking about.

00:20:09.960 --> 00:20:10.470 Kevin Barbaro Productions: So.

00:20:12.270 --> 00:20:13.530 Kevin Barbaro Productions: The next morning.

00:20:14.790 --> 00:20:28.320 Kevin Barbaro Productions: All of a sudden, I see like on social media that he's just getting blown up he saw you on TV I say man that's so great that's so wonderful, but it's not like our buddies that are filling him in its.

00:20:29.460 --> 00:20:46.980 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Its Famous people that are tweeting at him and whatnot and i'm just like man, this must have been a way bigger deal than I thought I made it i'm studying about this now going back real quick to.

00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:48.690 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Where.

00:20:50.160 --> 00:20:55.200 Kevin Barbaro Productions: My life as a track coach is a part of this story.

00:20:57.630 --> 00:21:10.530 Kevin Barbaro Productions: My really good friends in in coaching was a couple of my really good friends of coaching are now the coaches that wichita state they are the coaches at Kent State University back when I was coaching.

00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:21.780 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And they had asked me several times, I went out there actually to wichita because I was the espn on field.

00:21:23.550 --> 00:21:24.780 Kevin Barbaro Productions: commentator guide.

00:21:25.830 --> 00:21:35.070 Kevin Barbaro Productions: For the track championships that they were hosting in for their conference in La I was out there, they had asked me multiple times.

00:21:35.610 --> 00:21:56.400 Kevin Barbaro Productions: If I ever run into brand Smith, not ever you know they're like yeah she's an actor, you know she's she's married to another woman and she she lives in the city oh that's interesting, but you know there's a lot of actors and see i've never i've never run into you know now brianne Smith.

00:21:58.380 --> 00:22:12.420 Kevin Barbaro Productions: back when I was coaching was one of the best athletes that ever come through the the MID American Conference, I want to say she's one of the only athletes in the throes that had actually won.

00:22:13.710 --> 00:22:23.040 Kevin Barbaro Productions: On all four throws that the conference championship or she was like first or second there was something about I mean was long time ago now me i'm really digging but.

00:22:24.060 --> 00:22:38.250 Kevin Barbaro Productions: But of course I knew who she was because she was one of the best athletes in the conference matter of fact Kent state one a couple of changes because of real and they asked me do you ever run into her and they say no, never run into him so.

00:22:39.900 --> 00:22:44.580 Kevin Barbaro Productions: While I was having my conversation with with Brian on the street.

00:22:45.690 --> 00:22:58.590 Kevin Barbaro Productions: He drives an analogy, as we did you know, several times, you know, over the course of our friendship to the world of athletics, and I remember him saying, while we were standing there on the street and out of the conversation.

00:22:59.400 --> 00:23:14.100 Kevin Barbaro Productions: he's like yeah you know I just been working so hard and and I really feel as though i've made a nice breakthrough and then it goes on to say, and my track friends will be able to appreciate this he goes on to say yeah it was.

00:23:15.270 --> 00:23:19.650 Kevin Barbaro Productions: It was like when I first through 40 feet in the shot put.

00:23:20.610 --> 00:23:35.430 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And once I got that once I got that feeling, then, then, then I raised the bar and I, and I just in the momentum is kept going, and then, finally, as through 50 feet and I get to go to the nc double ways now in the world of track and field.

00:23:37.380 --> 00:23:40.590 Kevin Barbaro Productions: 50 feet for a guy in the shop is not that good.

00:23:42.180 --> 00:23:46.020 Kevin Barbaro Productions: matter of fact, I was be Kathleen I will Sue 50 feet and so.

00:23:47.580 --> 00:23:56.370 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Now, when I was having that conversation on the street with him I in my head i'm thinking you know I really did Brian but.

00:23:58.320 --> 00:24:07.200 Kevin Barbaro Productions: If you know, maybe he just thought he was better than what he is a lot of people in the world of track what just a lot of people in general.

00:24:07.590 --> 00:24:21.990 Kevin Barbaro Productions: They love to tell stories they tell stories so much to the point where they feel as though the story that they're telling is true, and in reality is not true, and so i'm kind of like in my head yeah i'm still trying to process little lad thing i'm still trying to process.

00:24:23.040 --> 00:24:39.180 Kevin Barbaro Productions: him telling me about his track and field escapades and the the 50 foot shot put to me, is just like man, maybe sucked you know, maybe suck me just thought he was dead or something doesn't realize that I understand what's good what's not good in men's track.

00:24:40.320 --> 00:24:40.800 Kevin Barbaro Productions: So.

00:24:42.510 --> 00:24:43.230 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Fast forward.

00:24:44.400 --> 00:24:49.350 Kevin Barbaro Productions: it's that morning he's getting tweeted out by all these really Famous people and.

00:24:50.550 --> 00:25:00.840 Kevin Barbaro Productions: So i'm watching it kind of unfold on social media and then I see something pop up either from TV guide or entertainment.

00:25:02.100 --> 00:25:24.030 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And it says, Brian michaels is the first trans male to portray a trans male character on network television, and this was on the show queen sugar, which is on oprah winfrey's network.

00:25:25.200 --> 00:25:39.240 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And so i'm reading this and now all of a sudden i'm replaying all of these conversations that i've had with Brian I mean total rewind in my head, but rewinding back.

00:25:40.530 --> 00:25:50.790 Kevin Barbaro Productions: about my conversations with the track coaches to wichita state who used to be, it can say hey you've ever run into free in Smith never ran into her.

00:25:51.300 --> 00:26:01.410 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Then i'm thinking 50 feet in the shop where you went to this as a blaze well in my head like no way is a male unc instead of bliss but now i'm thinking wait wait wait a second wait a second.

00:26:03.450 --> 00:26:06.570 Kevin Barbaro Productions: i've known this cat for like at this point like seven years right.

00:26:08.070 --> 00:26:08.550 Kevin Barbaro Productions: So.

00:26:10.260 --> 00:26:11.100 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I hit him up.

00:26:12.420 --> 00:26:13.590 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I said, Brian.

00:26:16.080 --> 00:26:19.020 Kevin Barbaro Productions: When you were at Kent State University.

00:26:20.940 --> 00:26:23.910 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Did you go by bri en Smith.

00:26:26.190 --> 00:26:36.660 Kevin Barbaro Productions: So he hits me up and he's like yeah man it's I think that in his mind to you was his mind is blown that I never put two and two together.

00:26:37.680 --> 00:26:40.710 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And I was like oh my gosh i'm like.

00:26:43.320 --> 00:27:00.750 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I wish so again like I said i'm pretty I went to this point, I was pretty ignorant about the whole transgender world and community and how it worked and everything and i'm like I wish that anybody.

00:27:01.980 --> 00:27:10.050 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Who doesn't understand the world of transgender could feel what i'm feeling right now, because.

00:27:11.520 --> 00:27:15.450 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I am probably the only person in your life that knew you.

00:27:16.590 --> 00:27:31.740 Kevin Barbaro Productions: As Brian Smith fast forward about 10 years, maybe 12 years I need to you again in real life as Brian michaels Brian Smith and.

00:27:32.850 --> 00:27:37.500 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I don't put two and two together, because in my mind in my heart.

00:27:38.970 --> 00:27:45.090 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Your every bit as much to have a guy have a male is anya.

00:27:46.740 --> 00:28:01.380 Kevin Barbaro Productions: there's nothing in a million years gun to my head, knowing the guy for all of those years and hit and him living his life and as Brian Michael it.

00:28:02.550 --> 00:28:18.270 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Why would I even question that Why would I even think about questioning that and so everything just kind of come came flooding in in terms of like my feelings about the situation and I I feel so.

00:28:20.190 --> 00:28:40.590 Kevin Barbaro Productions: lucky or blessed or whatever i've actually been able to experience is because I really can now have a deeper understanding and appreciation and empathy for anyone who is in the same situation that Brian is because Brian Smith.

00:28:42.390 --> 00:28:44.430 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Is a guy Brian Smith is male.

00:28:45.510 --> 00:28:48.180 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I always refer to him as Kim.

00:28:49.980 --> 00:28:53.640 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And I can't even imagine, even though I know.

00:28:54.720 --> 00:29:00.660 Kevin Barbaro Productions: That I knew him when you when he was living his life was brilliant.

00:29:02.040 --> 00:29:13.800 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Even though I know that still in my head It just seems unfathomable to me that someone else would refer to him as anything other than him.

00:29:14.820 --> 00:29:19.860 Kevin Barbaro Productions: or he and so that's I mean I I don't.

00:29:21.210 --> 00:29:32.130 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Maybe, no one can really even appreciate this entire story, but to me it just resonates so much with me, it really enlightened me and with it brings pride month and.

00:29:32.880 --> 00:29:47.580 Kevin Barbaro Productions: You know I just I just felt as online to share that story, so, in any event i'm going to be back here in a few minutes i'm going to have my guest on a eliza van core we're going to be talking about her new book which i've got right here, I ordered on Amazon.

00:29:48.780 --> 00:29:52.380 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Where is it oh it's an here we go.

00:29:54.660 --> 00:30:07.860 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Claiming space a woman's guide to claim the space we're going to be talking about it, and why every guy should be reading this as well i'll be back in just a few minutes i'm Kevin or you're listening to coffee talk XL on talk radio dot nyc.

00:30:09.180 --> 00:30:12.480 Kevin Barbaro Productions: and listening to talk radio and my seat.

00:30:15.090 --> 00:30:15.270 and

00:32:53.460 --> 00:32:55.140 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Good evening everybody welcome back to.

00:32:55.170 --> 00:32:56.340 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Coffee talk XL on.

00:32:56.670 --> 00:33:09.030 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Our road and you're listening on talk radio dot nyc i've got my very special guest of course on with me right now eliza and court eliza and I actually we have a little bit of his.

00:33:10.530 --> 00:33:12.300 Eliza VanCort: Oh yeah we do we do.

00:33:13.860 --> 00:33:19.350 Kevin Barbaro Productions: So we actually we were cast in a movie.

00:33:21.000 --> 00:33:32.580 Kevin Barbaro Productions: gosh it was like almost seven years ago now, I think it was a long time ago, but we played a bit of a family movie was called family business we.

00:33:32.580 --> 00:33:33.690 Kevin Barbaro Productions: played a dysfunctional.

00:33:33.990 --> 00:33:34.440 Kevin Barbaro Productions: You know.

00:33:35.460 --> 00:33:42.630 Kevin Barbaro Productions: or functioning dysfunctional family, where I played the lying and cheating, you know.

00:33:44.130 --> 00:33:48.000 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Ex husband which wasn't really old big stretch for me.

00:33:50.070 --> 00:33:51.420 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I played.

00:33:51.780 --> 00:33:57.300 Kevin Barbaro Productions: My wife and so that's what we first got to know each other and.

00:33:57.420 --> 00:34:00.840 Eliza VanCort: sociopathic wife let's let's be clear, she was.

00:34:03.000 --> 00:34:13.440 Kevin Barbaro Productions: yeah yeah I mean I I, to this day I wish that that movie went out to the whole world you nice people in the world of acting understanding.

00:34:13.980 --> 00:34:33.120 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Not all movies, make it out, but in any event eliza actually I already put it up here but i'm do it again so she's got a new book a best selling book called a woman's guide to claiming space and she is a fellow at cornell university she does Ted talks, she is.

00:34:34.230 --> 00:34:43.620 Kevin Barbaro Productions: runs her own acting group she's got she's she's a woman of many talents, but the one thing I want to talk about tonight, though, is, I want to talk about.

00:34:44.220 --> 00:34:54.750 Kevin Barbaro Productions: You know just the entire process of of you landing on this, which is amazing and and just let's talk about.

00:34:55.530 --> 00:35:04.620 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Why it's important for this kind of discussion be happening, not just between you and other women but, honestly, as if we've talked on the phone is this last week.

00:35:05.580 --> 00:35:16.860 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Other men, you know men like me should be reading this and to kind of take a peek behind the curtain so when did you decide to start the book and let's start from there.

00:35:18.420 --> 00:35:31.230 Eliza VanCort: Well um I wasn't sure if I wanted, I always kind of thought already book would be interesting, but it wasn't really something I decided, I was going to do, and then in 2013 I was riding my bike sounds unrelated but it's not.

00:35:31.560 --> 00:35:39.000 Eliza VanCort: And somebody thought it was a better idea to text and drive and just drive and she hit me in the head with her car.

00:35:39.420 --> 00:35:43.350 Eliza VanCort: And I got a bilateral brain injury in a subdural hematoma.

00:35:43.770 --> 00:35:57.570 Eliza VanCort: And I woke up with severely compromised memory and communication skills that were really compromised, and so I had to break down the html of communication in order to really go back to my life.

00:35:57.930 --> 00:36:03.870 Eliza VanCort: And it was a really long process, and after after it was done, I sort of thought oh wow.

00:36:04.380 --> 00:36:13.800 Eliza VanCort: I understand communication in such a deep and profound way in a way that I never would have needed to before, because I was an intuitive communicator before.

00:36:14.100 --> 00:36:30.150 Eliza VanCort: And I then I had to kind of become a mindful communicator so that was the first step, I started giving talks and then this is the weird part women if you're listening you'll get this, so I would start doing my talks and after my talks women would follow me to the bathroom.

00:36:31.710 --> 00:36:39.690 Eliza VanCort: They would kind of sidle up to me and they'd be like I gotta ask you have a question I didn't want to ask and Q amp a in front of the guys.

00:36:40.080 --> 00:36:44.220 Eliza VanCort: And the next thing I know we're doing another workshop or talk in the bathroom.

00:36:44.580 --> 00:36:54.210 Eliza VanCort: And what I figured out is there were about 45 questions that people asked me and it didn't matter if I was in Hong Kong or Florida or Texas or New York, it was the same questions.

00:36:54.810 --> 00:37:02.910 Eliza VanCort: And so, eventually, I figured out that the five things that I really learned, when I was recovering from my accident which I call claiming space.

00:37:03.480 --> 00:37:19.470 Eliza VanCort: Those five things actually if you put them out in buckets those questions fall into one of those five and and then I thought Why am I not scaling this information I should really get this out there on a wider scale and so that was sort of the beginning of the book.

00:37:20.040 --> 00:37:22.290 Eliza VanCort: So yeah you get hit in the head with a car apparently.

00:37:22.350 --> 00:37:22.830 yeah.

00:37:24.480 --> 00:37:26.070 Kevin Barbaro Productions: always a good start, I guess.

00:37:27.780 --> 00:37:28.290 Kevin Barbaro Productions: So.

00:37:29.550 --> 00:37:38.370 Kevin Barbaro Productions: These five buckets that you're you're talking about and and obviously you lay this out in the book, but can you give me like a.

00:37:39.060 --> 00:37:52.080 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Give us kind of a reader's digest version of what are these generals and I do find it interesting, and this is a whole part of the whole claiming space here that women.

00:37:52.800 --> 00:38:08.760 Kevin Barbaro Productions: didn't want to ask these questions to a woman right because there were guys in the room, and I don't even think most guys understand that whole process as well, so, in any event let's talk about those five areas.

00:38:08.850 --> 00:38:16.530 Eliza VanCort: mm hmm well the five areas of claiming space are, and these are the things that when women are mindful about these things.

00:38:16.800 --> 00:38:26.040 Eliza VanCort: Their lives just seem to be better personally and professionally The first one is claiming space with your physicality and voice and as actors, we understand this right.

00:38:26.340 --> 00:38:32.700 Eliza VanCort: it's, how do you present in a room and these people really know how to present with strength and confidence.

00:38:32.910 --> 00:38:40.920 Eliza VanCort: The next one is claiming space collaboratively women who didn't come at things from a scarcity mentality, but instead we're there to raise each other up.

00:38:41.310 --> 00:38:50.850 Eliza VanCort: Did better the third one is not seating space, so we all have these messages that we carry around with us whether they're from our anti mentors which I talked about in the book.

00:38:51.240 --> 00:39:02.640 Eliza VanCort: or they're from you know some some sort of really bad and top imposter syndrome, we carry these things, and sometimes we can actually seed space ourselves so not to do that understanding those things.

00:39:03.030 --> 00:39:10.860 Eliza VanCort: The fourth one is not letting anyone impinge upon your space and that's you know goes from interruptions which is not that big of a deal in the scheme of things to.

00:39:11.100 --> 00:39:19.770 Eliza VanCort: You know, sexual harassment, which is a really big deal and rather unpleasant and then the fifth one is claiming space in our sexually and what I mean by that is.

00:39:20.130 --> 00:39:31.440 Eliza VanCort: Women who made an effort, not just to hang out with women who looked like them did better women who hung out with people of all different races of all different backgrounds did better.

00:39:33.540 --> 00:39:46.470 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And, and you know one thing that we were talking about earlier, and this is one reason why I think it is really important for for men to hear this and mentor to dive into the book as well.

00:39:47.730 --> 00:39:57.660 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Is that the whole concept of you know, for whatever reason, men feel we got to explain everything we got a man's plane everything.

00:39:57.690 --> 00:40:03.930 Kevin Barbaro Productions: We we feel like you know in one thing we talked about, and we can touch on now is that.

00:40:05.970 --> 00:40:15.720 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I think a lot of men are afraid of having these conversations, because it makes them feel uncomfortable because they're not really as secure.

00:40:16.290 --> 00:40:26.070 Kevin Barbaro Productions: as they wish, or try to present themselves to be, and so they just immediately right off this kind of conversation or book like this, as just men hate.

00:40:26.820 --> 00:40:27.390 yeah.

00:40:28.440 --> 00:40:29.190 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And if.

00:40:29.880 --> 00:40:31.560 Eliza VanCort: you're not a man yeah.

00:40:33.750 --> 00:40:34.050 Kevin Barbaro Productions: So.

00:40:34.620 --> 00:40:46.980 Kevin Barbaro Productions: You know why do you think it is about men that we feel as though we're entitled to just roll into these spaces that can be occupied by other people.

00:40:48.000 --> 00:40:59.310 Eliza VanCort: I mean, I think a lot of it is training really and I don't think of it as like oh men are bad, they man's playing they're horrible what I think of it is you know there's research that shows that little boys.

00:40:59.580 --> 00:41:08.280 Eliza VanCort: are told to stop interrupting at a much lower rate than little girls, so when little boys and little girls start talking the girl shuts up.

00:41:08.520 --> 00:41:15.000 Eliza VanCort: Because she's been told don't interrupt don't interrupt and the boys haven't been taught that so there's just a lot of coding we carry around with us.

00:41:15.360 --> 00:41:23.100 Eliza VanCort: And it's not that one group is bad or good, but we do need to really deconstruct that if we're gonna have more fair interchanges.

00:41:23.670 --> 00:41:33.390 Eliza VanCort: But one of the things I was telling you about on the phone, which I found really interesting is I have found that the more confident the man is the more he's totally cool and his own masculinity.

00:41:33.690 --> 00:41:41.010 Eliza VanCort: The more he picks up the book that maybe his wife is reading or his girlfriend or sister and he's like oh my God, I need to read this.

00:41:41.340 --> 00:41:47.640 Eliza VanCort: And then the men who are really confident their own masculinity who said yeah I want to learn about what's going on with women.

00:41:48.000 --> 00:42:00.900 Eliza VanCort: I found men who don't seem to have that sort of energy or a little bit more like are you a man hater i've never gotten that from kind of a more and more alpha man, which is kind of vegetable and strange, but that that is what it is.

00:42:01.320 --> 00:42:12.570 Kevin Barbaro Productions: yeah you'd almost feel as though Maybe it was the opposite, but, but as a guy I can see where like for me, you know I I love, I mean he's here I love everybody and I.

00:42:13.080 --> 00:42:20.730 Kevin Barbaro Productions: just want everybody to be APP as well as all get along because we're all in this together, and it isn't about.

00:42:21.420 --> 00:42:41.400 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Being right or wrong and it's not about being in power who I can control and things like now as a guy, I can tell you I was conditioned that way, even when I was younger and I was that way, I mean I wasn't always the way I am now I can be honest and say Dick you.

00:42:44.190 --> 00:42:44.640 Kevin Barbaro Productions: know.

00:42:44.700 --> 00:42:45.810 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Why life almost.

00:42:45.960 --> 00:42:54.690 Kevin Barbaro Productions: A little bit you know go through what I went through because my own demise you know you start to realize it like dude you're not then.

00:42:58.470 --> 00:43:07.560 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Once you grasp that I think that you're way more open to these kinds of conversations because, like you said on the phone earlier today.

00:43:08.310 --> 00:43:22.860 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Men are like Oh well, you just manage yourself and in your comment to me, was what basically i'm paraphrasing what makes what makes you think to the guy you're important enough for me to be to be part of this.

00:43:23.430 --> 00:43:37.830 Eliza VanCort: Well, basically i've had, I had a reporter say to me, once this isn't some sort of man hating thing, and my answer was women being empowered has absolutely nothing to do with hating men was conflate those two things.

00:43:38.250 --> 00:43:39.810 Eliza VanCort: Yes, confusing to me.

00:43:40.470 --> 00:43:51.420 Eliza VanCort: Well, it just has nothing they have nothing to do with each other, you know I mean i'm sure there are very many empowered women and disempowered women who, like men or don't like men and has nothing to do with that you know it's just silly.

00:43:52.260 --> 00:44:05.100 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Exactly well listen we're going to be coming back, we got to go to a commercial break right now we'll be back in just a few minutes to talk more about the book i'm with allies advance for i'm Kevin Barbara you're listening to coffee talk XL on talk radio dot nyc.

00:46:19.680 --> 00:46:30.540 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Welcome back everybody i'm Kevin Moore bro you're listening to coffee talk XL on talk radio dot nyc make sure you tune in every Tuesday night at eight o'clock we're live here, or you can.

00:46:31.500 --> 00:46:43.920 Kevin Barbaro Productions: check out the podcast if you're a podcaster on spotify or apple or Google for those people watching the video this is tiger, who is part of Rockies rescue, which is fine.

00:46:45.000 --> 00:47:00.030 Kevin Barbaro Productions: nonprofit feline rescue it in our program he was actually going to be adopted out I talked about on the first episode I fell in love with this guy i'll give you that I love this guy right so anyway getting back to our book getting back up here.

00:47:01.320 --> 00:47:02.400 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I say our book.

00:47:05.280 --> 00:47:06.360 Kevin Barbaro Productions: let's get back to our book.

00:47:08.490 --> 00:47:26.610 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I want to get back to the book and to about just the discussion, and you know I to me as a guy I and a guy who has gone through growth over time, I know that.

00:47:27.690 --> 00:47:46.680 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I can, I can think back embarrassingly enough, I can think back to scenarios Where are you know that I was taking someone's space away from them okay hey you know when you get older and you to think back just like really done crap that you said, or whatever you know.

00:47:46.680 --> 00:47:53.370 Kevin Barbaro Productions: yeah, and so the more that i've been reading your book and the more than we've been communicating.

00:47:54.630 --> 00:48:07.680 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I can remember back when, and I feel terrible about it um What would you say and, of course, women can go and buy the book right now Amazon read about it, but what would you say, are some of the keys.

00:48:09.030 --> 00:48:21.600 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I don't know that some of the key advice that you can give to somebody who feels as though they're constantly having their space taken away from them, whether it's by men or other women, I mean I can happen, but you know.

00:48:21.660 --> 00:48:29.010 Kevin Barbaro Productions: My anybody really, what do you what what are some key things that you think that they should be focusing on yeah.

00:48:29.040 --> 00:48:36.870 Eliza VanCort: Well, I mean, I think that the, the truth is, it is a guidebook right, I wrote it so you can even read it out of order, so if you have something that's.

00:48:37.050 --> 00:48:45.870 Eliza VanCort: bothering you you're like oh i'm dealing with this today and you go to that chapter, you know, because many of us don't have time to sit down and read a book cover to cover let's be honest, but we do have things that we're working on.

00:48:46.560 --> 00:48:56.520 Eliza VanCort: So you know everything in there is really part of that process, but I would say one thing that seems to be really connecting with people is the concept of anti mentors.

00:48:57.180 --> 00:49:04.440 Eliza VanCort: And the and if you have an Anti mentor in your life that can make you feel incredibly small.

00:49:05.070 --> 00:49:13.590 Eliza VanCort: and getting anti mentors out of your life is really important, and anti mentor is really that person in your life, who should be your greatest cheerleader.

00:49:13.980 --> 00:49:18.930 Eliza VanCort: They are that person that you look to to say oh good job you know i'm proud of you, you did well.

00:49:19.290 --> 00:49:26.580 Eliza VanCort: And every time you know you'll get the reference maybe the youngest as well and but it's like Lucy and Charlie Brown and that damn football like.

00:49:27.330 --> 00:49:31.620 Eliza VanCort: CHA CHA rounds like you're not gonna pull it this time are you Lucy and she's like I never tried it.

00:49:32.340 --> 00:49:41.610 Eliza VanCort: And then the next thing you know children's on his back like why, and we do that, and it one way, you can identify anti mentors in your life.

00:49:41.910 --> 00:49:50.010 Eliza VanCort: First of all, you know if you're around someone who you're constantly being disappointed by in there always sort of making you feel small that's a good thing and that good thing to know about, but.

00:49:50.520 --> 00:49:58.380 Eliza VanCort: The other thing is they do something called intermittent reinforcement and what that means is they sometimes give you a big reward.

00:49:58.830 --> 00:50:08.430 Eliza VanCort: And then they withhold withhold withhold withhold withhold and then they give you all you they make you feel really good, and then they withhold withhold and the key is it has nothing to do with your behavior.

00:50:09.270 --> 00:50:18.840 Eliza VanCort: You can't control it at all and they've done studies on this, where they give they put a rat in a cage and they have two little levers one lever the rat just hits the lever.

00:50:19.110 --> 00:50:23.610 Eliza VanCort: And every time the route hits a lever it gets a reasonable amount of food, so it hits just enough to eat.

00:50:24.240 --> 00:50:44.760 Eliza VanCort: The other lever it doesn't give it any food, but once in a while it gets a huge payday the rat will sit there and start waiting for that one big payday or against so fat that it can't move instead of going to the other lever, and that is why in gambling, the House always wins.

00:50:45.150 --> 00:50:45.540 Kevin Barbaro Productions: yeah.

00:50:45.690 --> 00:50:48.960 Eliza VanCort: You know your head knows you're gonna lose money.

00:50:49.230 --> 00:50:53.010 Eliza VanCort: But once in a while you get that payday and that keeps you pulling that lever.

00:50:53.340 --> 00:51:00.540 Eliza VanCort: And so, when you have someone in your life, who once in a while makes you feel good and a lot of the time makes you feel bad and they should be a mentor.

00:51:00.930 --> 00:51:09.540 Eliza VanCort: don't give them a bullhorn in your community in your face get them, you know learn how to neutralize them and I talked about how to do that in the book.

00:51:10.050 --> 00:51:16.500 Kevin Barbaro Productions: wow yeah i'm gonna be honest with you is this hits home with me, because I can I just like.

00:51:17.550 --> 00:51:23.550 Kevin Barbaro Productions: i'm like having this Epiphany right now, when i've done that I and really.

00:51:25.470 --> 00:51:27.090 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Obviously it's a control thing.

00:51:27.630 --> 00:51:28.020 Eliza VanCort: mm hmm.

00:51:28.590 --> 00:51:36.780 Kevin Barbaro Productions: You know, wanting as men, I think that we feel as though we need to or want to be in control.

00:51:38.190 --> 00:51:42.690 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And part of its out of insecurity, we don't want to give up control, we don't want to hear.

00:51:43.320 --> 00:51:44.130 Kevin Barbaro Productions: You know.

00:51:44.160 --> 00:51:45.390 Kevin Barbaro Productions: We just want to have.

00:51:46.650 --> 00:51:59.130 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And and and we just want the people around us to look up to us there's something about being a guy that you, you thrive, when people look up to you and go to you.

00:51:59.790 --> 00:52:10.350 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And you can manipulate that relationship, just like what you're saying, where you you just give a little bit or sometimes you don't give anything at all, and it was.

00:52:10.740 --> 00:52:21.900 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Completely worthy of praise, but then you can recall this big praise all at once, and I was like ooh he loves me again right and the rest of time is.

00:52:23.100 --> 00:52:28.050 Kevin Barbaro Productions: constantly having to feel as though you've got to prove yourself that's right.

00:52:30.210 --> 00:52:34.560 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I mean obviously wrote this for women, you know.

00:52:36.420 --> 00:52:43.500 Kevin Barbaro Productions: It how they overcome as What do you say, do what could you possibly say to a guy so that.

00:52:45.180 --> 00:52:48.840 Kevin Barbaro Productions: We can think a lot more along these lines were like.

00:52:50.610 --> 00:52:56.130 Kevin Barbaro Productions: we're not putting someone in a position where they're constantly feeling yourself they're controlled by us.

00:52:56.160 --> 00:53:01.410 Eliza VanCort: mm hmm well, I mean, I do think that the first step is sort of like Oh, I do that.

00:53:01.740 --> 00:53:11.820 Eliza VanCort: I mean I kind of equate it to as a white woman my journey on race, you know which is like i've realized, now that i've done some work on race that wow I really wish i'd done some things differently.

00:53:12.240 --> 00:53:19.350 Eliza VanCort: You know, but if I were to sit there and beat myself up over it, I would just stop working on it, because it would just be too painful.

00:53:19.650 --> 00:53:31.320 Eliza VanCort: You know, for me, you know I kind of go with this mantra of this my Angela has a great saying, which is you know do what you can do until you know better than when you know better do better.

00:53:32.010 --> 00:53:40.170 Eliza VanCort: And it's just you know I did what I could do until I knew better when I knew better, do you know I did better So if you start learning about this stuff.

00:53:40.560 --> 00:53:49.380 Eliza VanCort: And you're like oh crap I really manipulated someone you know, yes that's that's unfortunate but would be more unfortunate is, if you kept doing it.

00:53:49.950 --> 00:53:50.430 Right.

00:53:51.450 --> 00:53:52.140 Eliza VanCort: Now, would be.

00:53:53.310 --> 00:53:54.450 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Like hey that worked.

00:53:54.570 --> 00:53:57.990 Eliza VanCort: right that was that was actually now that I think about it, that was damn effective.

00:54:00.030 --> 00:54:00.900 Eliza VanCort: reinforcement.

00:54:01.200 --> 00:54:07.470 Eliza VanCort: So that was really you know, so instead it's like when there are parts of the book I you know I have this one whole section of.

00:54:07.770 --> 00:54:11.850 Eliza VanCort: The parts of the different categories of people who say one thing and do another.

00:54:12.210 --> 00:54:20.970 Eliza VanCort: And there are like 12 different categories of those kind of people, and you know when people read it, when I first did the draft people you know call me and they were like oh shit.

00:54:21.390 --> 00:54:31.140 Eliza VanCort: I know I mean i'm like one of those things, and what I said to people is you know people who are fully one of those things are in such denial that they don't see themselves so first of all you're not.

00:54:31.470 --> 00:54:38.220 Eliza VanCort: You may have some characteristics of those things and that's that's Okay, like all you need to do is work on it.

00:54:38.640 --> 00:54:47.730 Eliza VanCort: And not beat yourself up over it, and I think that's all we can do in this life really I mean you say men like being in control I don't know a woman who doesn't like being in control to I just think we've been.

00:54:49.080 --> 00:54:51.780 Eliza VanCort: Different different societal ways of doing it, you know.

00:54:52.170 --> 00:55:03.900 Kevin Barbaro Productions: yeah, without a doubt, and I, you know I I just think that you know from a guy being a guy you know I, it is easier for us to take.

00:55:06.120 --> 00:55:16.890 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Because of just our psyche the way that we're wired you know because it's easy for us to turn off the emotion so i'm just going to take if she's not going to give that.

00:55:17.460 --> 00:55:29.760 Kevin Barbaro Productions: I just move on and so you're not conceding the space you're just moving on you're just cutting out, you know and it's guys it's a little easier for whatever reason it's easier for us to just do that.

00:55:30.270 --> 00:55:44.340 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And, which obviously isn't a healthy go through life anyway we're gonna wrap up here, but I i'm so proud of you this is so great, and you can get it on Amazon, I think I bought it on Amazon or Barnes and noble.

00:55:44.910 --> 00:55:47.400 Eliza VanCort: One Amazon Now you can get it on Amazon yeah.

00:55:47.670 --> 00:56:07.950 Kevin Barbaro Productions: get it on Amazon eliza van port I got it up here women's guide to claiming space and there's even in the bag there's like a work workbook for you to kind of guide your way through all of this and listen I gotta have you back on the show because we got way more to talk about girl.

00:56:09.150 --> 00:56:10.110 Eliza VanCort: We do.

00:56:11.010 --> 00:56:13.110 Eliza VanCort: Typically, always have good conversation.

00:56:13.170 --> 00:56:13.770 yeah.

00:56:15.570 --> 00:56:24.330 Kevin Barbaro Productions: Next time we're going to touch on all of this stuff behind you, which is obviously your your work board there so, but in any event i'm so happy that you're on here.

00:56:24.780 --> 00:56:36.870 Kevin Barbaro Productions: And and i'll talk to you again soon i'm Kevin Barbara thanks for listening to coffee talk XL on talk radio dot nyc i'll be back next Tuesday every Tuesday, eight o'clock live and we'll see you there.

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