Join Ella, Lillie and Keeth as we discuss why it's important for women to find, and use, their active voices in order to have hard conversations that will create clarity and elevate their business and personal lives.
We'll share our takeaways from the memoir "Untamed", written by Glennon Doyle and how we intend to apply them to our lives.
Ella, Lillie, and Keeth reintroduce themselves, and begin going over their wins and challenges throughout the week. Keeth begins to explain her win this week, where she blocked some time for her outside to enjoy the sunlight and warm weather, and her subsequent challenge was returning to work after enjoying her time outside. The three discuss Keeth’s experience with seasonal affective disorder, and how she realized she had this after returning to the United States from a trip to Greece, where she became fatigued and lethargic. The three discuss Vitamin D, and Ella brings up the point how she never realized that she might not be getting as much Vitamin D as she thought she did, as having a dark skin tone, she always assumed she absorbed enough Vitamin D. Lillie discusses her win of the week, which was her first in person meeting with her team for her business, and how even though she was nervous for the meeting, it turned out to be very successful. Lillie also explains her challenge of the week, which was a lack of motivation, and how on Monday of this week she found herself very bored, which she attributes to burn out, and that she is trying to relax to combat the burn out. Ella goes into her win of the week, which was putting her contact in by herself for the first time. She explains how she has always wanted contacts, and this week she got some contacts, which is eye opening for her. She also explains her challenge of the week, which was that she is finding it difficult to plan her day the day before, as well as slipping in her goal of reading a book with her son every day and discussing the book with him. The book she is currently reading with her son is The Glass Castle, which is a book she personally enjoys, as well as the discussions she has with her son after reading each chapter. Lillie introduces the topic of today's episode, Untamed, a memoir by Glennon Doyle, and gives a quick overview of how she found this book.
Lillie introduces the themes and takeaways she got from Untamed, with the main theme that she took away from was “drop the rules”, which means the rules that she places onto herself and rules that society tends to place on women. She explains that the rules that she placed on herself were keeping her from transitioning to entrepreneurship in her professional life, as she had the rule that she made for herself that if she left her stable corporate job to pursue her own business, then her life would become unstable. She realized that she doesn’t need to be perfect to succeed by herself. She was able to drop these rules she placed on herself to pursue what she really wanted to do for a career. Ella discusses her takeaways from the book, bringing up an anecdote from Untamed where a group of girls when asked if they want to have any food while they were at a friends house while they were hanging out with their guy friends, polled each other silently and elected one of them to speak for the group, while the guy friends immediately answered. Ella explains that this is an example of how women are raised to be perfect, with these social expectations placed onto them from a young age, causing girls to lose themselves. She continues to connect this phenomenon with imposter syndrome that is often found in women, and Lillie brings up the point that women from a young age are taught how to be a woman rather than how to be themselves. The three discuss how this relates to society’s reflections on what it means to be a woman or what it means to be a man, and Ella specifically discusses the differences between how sexuality of women is treated very different from the sexuality of men. Keeth begins her takeaways from the book, and how it took her a long time to warm up to the book.
Keeth explains that it was slow for her to get into the book, as she didn’t enjoy many of the vignettes, and originally viewed it as chicklit. But, after hearing the takeaways that Ella and Lillie had from the book made her realize that she needed to think deeper while reading the book. She explains that her main takeaway that hard conversations must happen at times, regardless of how people don’t want to be rejected, as well as the theme of the author trying to find her voice. The three discuss the need for hard conversations, and Ella retells the occasion when she last had a hard conversation, which was at a listing she went to with her partner. Ella realizes that how she took the conversation after her partner asked her if she was feeling well, was concealing how she really felt because she didn’t want to be a burden on her. She continues to explain how she realized how she built relationships with people, both romantic and platonic relationships, she put a downpayment on those relationships by concealing herself and being self-sacrificing. Lillie continues to explain what she believes what a nice person is compared to how society expects someone to be, and how it is more important to be yourself rather than nice to the point of it being a fault. Keeth agrees with that, and how one of the most liberating things she realized was that she allowed herself to be herself instead of nice, allowing for her opinions and advice she gives to be more true to herself instead of it being under the guise of self sacrifice. Lillie continues to explain how she believes that being thoughtful is more important to her than being nice, as you don’t know if people are always genuine when they are nice, but they are always genuine when they are thoughtful. Keeth goes into the biggest takeaway from the book, which was it is difficult to differentiate between business and personal.
Keeth discusses how some of the hardest conversations are conversations that you have with yourself, and how when living your life that you need to take some people with a grain of salt, as not everyone is as judgemental as your mind makes them out to be. Keeth explains her takeaway that it is difficult to differentiate between business and personal lives, as she has found that many people run their businesses the same way they run their personal lives, and brings up examples in the book about how Doyle set out to create businesses based off of her passions. Lillie explains her personal experience in a situation similar to Ella’s downpayment on relationships, in how she sees herself is different from how she presents herself, and she has often found herself believing she did not believe she was worthy of what she has. Ella goes back to her earlier story of concealing her struggles from her partner, and how she believed that she was doing good by presenting herself as resilient, even though this attitude was being harmful to her. The conversation shifts to a recent show that Ella has been watching called The Sinner, and how the main character remembers memories from his childhood due to a near death experience, in which he realizes that these memories that were previously subconscious were the basis for how he was living his day to day life.
00:00:25.890 --> 00:00:30.690 Sankeetha Selvarajah: hi everyone, welcome to the 630 call i'm so excited to be here for our fourth episode.
00:00:30.990 --> 00:00:38.550 Sankeetha Selvarajah: We got to know each other over the past three weeks, but for those of you who could not tuned in i'm seeking to submerge i'm an attorney and business consultant.
00:00:38.970 --> 00:00:49.530 Sankeetha Selvarajah: interested in all things productivity and accountability and I couldn't have better co host and pod members, then my friend lily and ella so introduce yourselves, ladies.
00:00:50.520 --> 00:00:58.530 Lillie Nkenchor: I Keith hi ella, can I just say that everyone here looks snazzy yeah look like you're succeeding in life right now.
00:00:59.640 --> 00:01:00.480 Lillie Nkenchor: Eric gorgeous.
00:01:01.440 --> 00:01:13.410 Lillie Nkenchor: Very gorgeous my name is lily and Ken sure i'm in a state and business planning attorney here in New York i've lived in New York for the past couple of years, which is how we all know each other and i'm happy to be here with my co host.
00:01:14.580 --> 00:01:19.890 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Thank you very much guys, for being here with me, because this has become one of the highlights of my week.
00:01:20.700 --> 00:01:31.800 Ella DeSosa-Butler: i'm ella dispose of Butler I am a real estate agent with compass i'm with the curb New York team, where a team of five women that have been selling real estate for over 15 years.
00:01:32.370 --> 00:01:39.660 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Just helping people navigate the sales market whether it's investing buying selling so i'm very happy to be here and.
00:01:40.170 --> 00:01:51.240 Ella DeSosa-Butler: i'm happy to be rounding out almost the week right we're almost there and i've had a pretty good week i've had some wins and challenges, but first I want to hear what your wins and challenges are.
00:01:52.260 --> 00:01:53.580 Ella DeSosa-Butler: what's been going on with you guys.
00:01:54.120 --> 00:02:03.390 Sankeetha Selvarajah: So interesting has been a really New York is warming up here, so you know spring has sprung and then today's a rainy day, but the last couple.
00:02:03.870 --> 00:02:18.180 Sankeetha Selvarajah: days have almost hit 70, and so my wind was time outside where it block some time out for me to walk outside and you know get some vitamin D okay to actually get it during the actual sunlight hours and not in a gummy.
00:02:19.380 --> 00:02:19.680 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Any.
00:02:21.420 --> 00:02:30.210 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Like I was only whereas get here because I get up at four and i'm missing a lot of time, so I blocked out my time enough that I could go outside to actually take a walk.
00:02:31.020 --> 00:02:40.380 Sankeetha Selvarajah: grab some lunch and just enjoy the sunlight and everybody also have the same idea as well too because everybody was out a long winter in case you haven't noticed.
00:02:43.020 --> 00:02:44.790 Lillie Nkenchor: How about challenges.
00:02:45.990 --> 00:02:49.530 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Challenges going back to work after being outside okay like.
00:02:51.180 --> 00:03:05.310 Sankeetha Selvarajah: It was it was like I got a taste of the good life, and I was like I don't want to go back in, and you know do it outside so now, I think I might have to just take some take my laptop and just get my wi fi hotspot and just get outside.
00:03:05.610 --> 00:03:10.470 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You have like the whole seasonal affective like for real right seasonal affective disorder.
00:03:11.100 --> 00:03:18.810 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Using and I I didn't know that I had it for a long time, but except when I came back from a trip, I went to Greece.
00:03:19.320 --> 00:03:28.410 Sankeetha Selvarajah: And I came back and because of the time change remember a week or two after that happened, I was really lethargic I was tired, I was not waking up my my usual you know.
00:03:28.680 --> 00:03:33.360 Sankeetha Selvarajah: crazy four 5am time slot I was really dragging so I went to the doctor.
00:03:33.690 --> 00:03:44.790 Sankeetha Selvarajah: And she asked me she's like hey you just came back from overseas like you went to Greece, I was like yeah she goes oh your circadian rhythms are off here's what you should do, and she told me to get a plant lamp.
00:03:45.270 --> 00:03:48.780 Sankeetha Selvarajah: And I thought this lady's crazy, who gave her her degree okay and.
00:03:49.410 --> 00:04:00.990 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Well, somebody really succeeded and giving giving her her degrees, because that plant lamp work I sat under it for like 1010 to 15 minutes every morning and it actually reset but.
00:04:01.290 --> 00:04:11.550 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Generally over this winter it's a it's actually pretty common actually because i'm also dark skin, so I don't absorb vitamin D, you see that amongst most people in the northeast as well.
00:04:12.870 --> 00:04:13.260 I don't know.
00:04:14.400 --> 00:04:25.710 Ella DeSosa-Butler: filing that away actually I would never have thought as a dark skinned person I thought I absorbed light, do you know what I mean, so I didn't really know that so a lot of dark skinned people probably do not know that they assume.
00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:31.380 Ella DeSosa-Butler: they're getting enough vitamin D, but do you do, you have enough vitamin D, do you feel.
00:04:31.620 --> 00:04:33.840 Lillie Nkenchor: I don't know i'm living off of dummies you girls.
00:04:34.980 --> 00:04:43.680 Lillie Nkenchor: Take vitamins I have vitamins from my hair vitamins from DS I have, I have all the vitamins right now via dummies but I don't think it really.
00:04:44.070 --> 00:04:54.060 Lillie Nkenchor: compares to being out and about so i'm trying to take a page out of San Francisco can get out and about just a little bit more I can't promise, but just a little bit more.
00:04:55.230 --> 00:04:57.270 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So, what are your wins and challenges this week.
00:04:58.380 --> 00:05:09.240 Lillie Nkenchor: With Oh, I had my first in person team meeting this week so excited I was excited but I was nervous, because you all know.
00:05:09.870 --> 00:05:14.940 Lillie Nkenchor: You know, being an entrepreneur is a relatively new adventure for me and i've never had.
00:05:15.270 --> 00:05:22.320 Lillie Nkenchor: A team that I managed, I never liked formally lead a team so i'm thinking to myself, how do you put together a good agenda.
00:05:22.590 --> 00:05:28.800 Lillie Nkenchor: How do you make ice breakers that aren't cheesy, how do you make sure you're not the only person speaking so it doesn't get boring.
00:05:29.010 --> 00:05:38.730 Lillie Nkenchor: So I was really racking my brain over it, and spent a good amount of hours trying to create a nice agenda and make it look pretty in canvas to this wasn't some like.
00:05:39.150 --> 00:05:49.920 Lillie Nkenchor: You know here's a sheet, with all the things we're going to do today and it went well, it was really successful, I was glad that I spent that much time on it, it was received well by the TEAM members.
00:05:50.280 --> 00:05:56.010 Lillie Nkenchor: And went well and we got into some really good conversations, to the point where we couldn't get to everything.
00:05:56.430 --> 00:06:06.210 Lillie Nkenchor: But to me, I felt like that was a good sign of a good meeting so that was my win this week we're really excited about that my challenge was what was my challenge this week.
00:06:06.750 --> 00:06:16.290 Lillie Nkenchor: So, on Monday I think I text you ladies this I just felt very, very bored like everything was boring to me I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to read anything.
00:06:16.590 --> 00:06:25.560 Lillie Nkenchor: But I kept powering through because I knew no one else could do it, but I felt very bored and very lethargic I literally took two NAPs on Monday.
00:06:26.310 --> 00:06:36.750 Lillie Nkenchor: Two NAPs I took two NAPs because my brain just wanted to be quiet and I think what's really happening is not necessarily boredom it's i'm burnout.
00:06:37.500 --> 00:06:47.940 Lillie Nkenchor: I think i'm becoming very exhausted and I need to figure out a way to rest and bounce back, and not just go harder know what I mean that was my challenge this week.
00:06:48.780 --> 00:06:50.430 Sankeetha Selvarajah: You could afford my plan.
00:06:52.620 --> 00:07:01.710 Lillie Nkenchor: yeah but that gives you vitamin D, what if it doesn't I need energy, I need a new scenery I need to like refresh my brain i'm experiencing decision fatigue is the.
00:07:03.660 --> 00:07:05.040 Ella DeSosa-Butler: weekend getaway or something.
00:07:05.550 --> 00:07:07.020 Lillie Nkenchor: I need a three month getaway.
00:07:10.020 --> 00:07:16.500 Lillie Nkenchor: weekend getaways you go away by the time you travel and come back you really only spent like 36 hours away.
00:07:17.100 --> 00:07:17.370 Right.
00:07:18.870 --> 00:07:28.230 Ella DeSosa-Butler: For vacation you need like the one you need to get there, and have like a probably two weeks of like come down right, then you need actual vacation part.
00:07:28.440 --> 00:07:35.190 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And then you need the like ramp up to go back to real life part, then when you get back and need a vacation to like slide back into yeah.
00:07:36.210 --> 00:07:36.720 Lillie Nkenchor: Exactly.
00:07:37.140 --> 00:07:45.210 Ella DeSosa-Butler: yeah so it's a long time Okay, so my when was actually just 15 minutes ago I put my contact in by myself.
00:07:45.600 --> 00:07:57.360 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Because yesterday i'm like walking down the street I passed by this optometrists i'm like you know i've been wanting context, because I am so sick of looking like the old lady when I put my glasses on when we're doing our podcast and i'm like what does that say.
00:07:59.430 --> 00:08:01.140 Ella DeSosa-Butler: While you guys are just like reading.
00:08:01.200 --> 00:08:10.770 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Like you know floating through life all happy, so I I got contacts there multi-focal and I can read everything right now i'm feeling very.
00:08:11.070 --> 00:08:20.880 Ella DeSosa-Butler: peppy but the only thing is, with multi-focal contacts which are really there to help with reading it's sort of a compromise, because you lose a little bit of distance.
00:08:21.270 --> 00:08:30.600 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So my distance isn't as crisp as it is you know, without the contacts so it's kind of like a little in between some testing it out, but I think i'm liking this more.
00:08:32.370 --> 00:08:41.490 Ella DeSosa-Butler: glasses for ella will see and then my challenge was um okay my challenge is I kind of am slipping on the prepare.
00:08:41.880 --> 00:08:50.700 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Your next day, the night before thing which we were speaking about last week i'm back to the I get into shark tank and you know it's over.
00:08:51.000 --> 00:09:06.000 Ella DeSosa-Butler: next thing you know i'm tired i'm sleeping after the last shark tank episode goes and it's also affecting I had started to read with ethan when my son's a little bit older, so he reads by himself, obviously, but he needs to have a little bit.
00:09:07.260 --> 00:09:13.020 Ella DeSosa-Butler: What do they call it just get into reading more you know your reads because he has to not because he can enjoy it.
00:09:13.500 --> 00:09:22.590 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So i've selected a few books that I like and we sort of read them together and discuss the characters at the end and what's happening and i've slipped on that a bit.
00:09:23.040 --> 00:09:31.950 Ella DeSosa-Butler: um which you know I want to get back into in the book we're reading, by the way, is the glass Castle, which, if anybody has not read it yet it's a really great book so.
00:09:33.900 --> 00:09:37.140 Lillie Nkenchor: I haven't I haven't read the glass Castle it's like for kids.
00:09:37.500 --> 00:09:44.190 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Know that's why it's so great, because he's at an age now where we can read things that i'm also that I also like right.
00:09:44.400 --> 00:09:59.010 Ella DeSosa-Butler: In the glass Castle, is it was a best seller and it's about a woman who comes from like I don't I don't know if it's the ozarks or appalachian but you know, a poor rural background she comes to New York City and she becomes is super successful.
00:10:00.420 --> 00:10:14.910 Ella DeSosa-Butler: writer for the New York Times, and her parents are there, a little interesting i'll just say that, and they end up coming to New York City and becoming squatters and it's about her having to kind of put her new park avenue life, together with her, you know her old life.
00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:18.720 Lillie Nkenchor: Oh, the ozarks meets park avenue.
00:10:18.870 --> 00:10:19.710 Exactly.
00:10:23.970 --> 00:10:25.590 Lillie Nkenchor: she's waiting the Rose i'm sorry.
00:10:26.850 --> 00:10:27.270 Sankeetha Selvarajah: love to.
00:10:28.290 --> 00:10:31.710 Sankeetha Selvarajah: hear your side, I mean and he's like 1415 now.
00:10:35.160 --> 00:10:39.090 Ella DeSosa-Butler: there's some of the conversations we have African chapter about class and.
00:10:39.450 --> 00:10:42.960 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You know class in America just really interesting stuff it's good.
00:10:43.950 --> 00:10:47.160 Lillie Nkenchor: Look at you being on creating an evolved human being on.
00:10:47.370 --> 00:10:49.680 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Know right when I when I actually do it.
00:10:53.040 --> 00:10:58.050 Lillie Nkenchor: Well, we thank you, the future people that your your boy your son will date Thank you okay.
00:10:58.530 --> 00:11:02.910 Lillie Nkenchor: Yes, sometimes you look at these mini like so what happened during your formative years.
00:11:06.180 --> 00:11:13.410 Sankeetha Selvarajah: was a good did you have a relationship with your mother, these are important questions that he can now answer with like clarity.
00:11:13.710 --> 00:11:17.460 Lillie Nkenchor: Yes, yes, good job that's your second win of the day.
00:11:17.850 --> 00:11:18.210 Okay.
00:11:20.430 --> 00:11:31.920 Lillie Nkenchor: i'm glad you mentioned the books, because we all read a book, which is kind of the loose format of today's session, if you all look to the show notes, you should have seen that the title is called embracing your cheetah.
00:11:32.400 --> 00:11:44.130 Lillie Nkenchor: And that comes from a little story that was told inside untamed written by glennon Doyle this isn't a deep dive into glennon per se, or all the pieces of the book per se.
00:11:44.490 --> 00:11:50.580 Lillie Nkenchor: it's to really extrapolate what we all took from it, because it's really a theme of your voice.
00:11:51.060 --> 00:12:03.270 Lillie Nkenchor: Finding your voice using your voice using it in your professional life and using it in your business life, so I enjoyed the tenants that the book, discuss and i'll just do a quick.
00:12:03.750 --> 00:12:17.640 Lillie Nkenchor: overview of how I even found it before we go to commercial break so last summer, a friend said, I want to send you a book I think you'll really like it and I always love people sending me looks so she sent it to me I started reading it.
00:12:18.030 --> 00:12:25.530 Lillie Nkenchor: And I didn't put it down, I really enjoyed it and the whole premise is the reason my friend sent it to me, is because she knows.
00:12:25.920 --> 00:12:31.200 Lillie Nkenchor: That I was building my practice at the time I was transitioning from corporate to entrepreneurship.
00:12:31.710 --> 00:12:39.750 Lillie Nkenchor: So she felt like I needed to read something that was encouraging and uplifting and basically reminding you, you can do it.
00:12:40.740 --> 00:12:47.880 Lillie Nkenchor: Just because you haven't done it yet or you're uncertain about certain pieces as to how to get it done it doesn't mean it cannot be done.
00:12:48.450 --> 00:12:57.870 Lillie Nkenchor: So I really went into the book thinking Okay, what is this lady going to tell me, and I really got some gems and I think all of you got some gems too so.
00:12:58.350 --> 00:13:10.440 Lillie Nkenchor: We will, when we come back from our commercial break we'll discuss the takeaways and the moments in the Aha moments and just what we felt about the concepts in general will talk to you guys, on the other side.
00:16:07.350 --> 00:16:11.850 Lillie Nkenchor: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, just before the break, we were speaking about.
00:16:12.300 --> 00:16:25.350 Lillie Nkenchor: The book untamed or the principles, the general principles that we got from the book and you may have gotten these principles from somewhere else, your mom your grandmother a different book that you read so it's not about the book per se it's just about the concepts.
00:16:25.650 --> 00:16:34.800 Lillie Nkenchor: And I just want to start off and talk about the theme that I noticed or the themes that resonated with me and then Li i'd love to get your perspective, and then you keep as well.
00:16:35.430 --> 00:16:42.900 Lillie Nkenchor: And i've heard this before the thing that I walked away with drop the rules, I think, before you and I, ladies we've spoken about.
00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:51.870 Lillie Nkenchor: An executive coach and how it works, does it work, does it not work all of that stuff and I remember when I was being coached I think in 2018.
00:16:52.260 --> 00:17:03.210 Lillie Nkenchor: One of the things my coach told me was you know what lil you have a lot of rules, I don't know where these rules came from I don't know how you think these rules serve you.
00:17:03.630 --> 00:17:09.330 Lillie Nkenchor: But it might be time to drop those rules and at first i'm like man these rules work.
00:17:09.960 --> 00:17:15.120 Lillie Nkenchor: You know how you're used to doing something and becomes a part of your identity and it's like wrestling it out of you takes.
00:17:15.420 --> 00:17:22.500 Lillie Nkenchor: Everything But once she said that I really I started to notice the rules that she was referencing and some others that she didn't reference.
00:17:22.860 --> 00:17:31.650 Lillie Nkenchor: And so, when I was reading this book what I got was there's a whole bunch of rules that are placed on women, more often than not.
00:17:32.190 --> 00:17:39.330 Lillie Nkenchor: And I felt like this was a good reminder for me to drop the rules and, as I was reading the book I had.
00:17:40.050 --> 00:17:52.740 Lillie Nkenchor: A moment where I realized okay I kind of have two rules that are playing in the back of my mind, which was making me nervous to transition to entrepreneurship or business ownership, the first one was I kept thinking that.
00:17:54.570 --> 00:18:02.490 Lillie Nkenchor: My chances of failing or not succeeding are greater when i'm by myself than when i'm in a corporate setting.
00:18:02.880 --> 00:18:06.420 Lillie Nkenchor: So the corporate setting was creating a safety net feeling.
00:18:06.780 --> 00:18:19.920 Lillie Nkenchor: A shield feeling I had colleagues down the hall, I had a bi weekly paycheck with benefits and all of this stuff so we created a sense of security, and so I kept playing this rule that if I left this security.
00:18:20.340 --> 00:18:28.650 Lillie Nkenchor: automatically life would become wildly insecure and I had to drop that rule in order for me to get to where I am today.
00:18:29.190 --> 00:18:38.190 Lillie Nkenchor: The second rule that kept playing in my head is you need to know how it's going to work out how it's going to succeed, how exactly you're going to do everything.
00:18:38.700 --> 00:18:46.860 Lillie Nkenchor: Before you do everything again that mentality of you, we were probably all raised the same way you go to school, get good grades.
00:18:47.130 --> 00:18:55.740 Lillie Nkenchor: You get a good job we get the good title you climb the ladder and keep climbing climbing climbing and it, it makes life seem linear and planned.
00:18:56.220 --> 00:19:12.450 Lillie Nkenchor: And thinking of being a business owner rock that, for me, and so I felt like to try to create some sense of control, I said I need to know how everything is going to work out before I get out there, but you ladies in our accountant accountability group shout out 630 pod.
00:19:13.770 --> 00:19:20.010 Lillie Nkenchor: reminded me that you don't need to be perfect, in order to be successful, you need to be consistent.
00:19:20.730 --> 00:19:29.460 Lillie Nkenchor: So dropping the rule of feeling that I needed to know how everything worked out and dropping the rule that all of a sudden life becomes crazy insecure.
00:19:29.760 --> 00:19:45.570 Lillie Nkenchor: Just because you don't have a corporate job, allow me to be more of myself so that was the thing that I noticed the most from this particular book so i'd love to know what you thought, because I remember talking to you and you had a great theme from from this book.
00:19:46.230 --> 00:19:54.660 Ella DeSosa-Butler: yeah so this book was, I mean like fireworks were going off in my brain I kept saying you know I kept having Aha moments in this book.
00:19:55.020 --> 00:19:59.550 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So for me, let me tell you this little story about the scene, that the author sets in the book.
00:19:59.850 --> 00:20:09.750 Ella DeSosa-Butler: That really kind of sort of blew me away so she talks about how she's at home with her, her sons and you know their their friends their guy friends and that.
00:20:10.200 --> 00:20:16.620 Ella DeSosa-Butler: group of these group of boys are on the couch and they're playing video games and kind of zoned out the way kids are when they're playing video games.
00:20:16.980 --> 00:20:25.320 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And on the floor in front of them are group of their girlfriends their school friends who happened to be girls and the girls are talking, while the boys are playing.
00:20:25.770 --> 00:20:30.690 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So she walks in the room, and she says hey do you guys want something to eat.
00:20:31.320 --> 00:20:41.220 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And the boys, you know barely looking up from the game, while they've got joystick i'm deck i'm dating myself, but while they're playing and they're in their hands they're like yeah we're hungry.
00:20:41.880 --> 00:20:51.780 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And the girls sort of pause and let's say there's four or five girls and they start looking at each other, like before they answer sort of you know I don't want to say nervously but kind of like.
00:20:52.980 --> 00:21:04.920 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You know checking each other out and then be like quietly elect one of them to basically answer the question and one of them says no we're okay we're not that hungry.
00:21:05.460 --> 00:21:17.280 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And that scene, that the author, you know so beautifully wrote was it that just I could see that happening because I could see myself as a girl, when I was around guys sort of.
00:21:17.640 --> 00:21:25.500 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Always one girl was elected the spokesperson, and before we made a decision about food or whatever like you know we'd have to pull each other.
00:21:26.640 --> 00:21:34.440 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And you know that I mean it just rang so true to me, and I think one thing that I took you know I thought about was.
00:21:35.190 --> 00:21:46.080 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And I think this applies to women, specifically like you know my generation i'm in my 40s so I don't know if women in their 20s are feel the same way, I mean they grew up you know differently i'm sure, things have changed but.
00:21:47.310 --> 00:21:56.490 Ella DeSosa-Butler: I think that we lose ourselves so early because women are taught how to be from such an early age, you know so even with my son.
00:21:57.060 --> 00:22:06.900 Ella DeSosa-Butler: When the little friends, he had in first grade the way they acted their ability to sort of turn up their tomboyish in us as we call it, or whatever it is.
00:22:07.320 --> 00:22:13.080 Ella DeSosa-Butler: By the time I saw them in fifth grade that those things had been dialed down so much.
00:22:13.560 --> 00:22:20.970 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And so I think that women are taught, you know how to sit right our mothers, you know, again, this might be generational this is how you sit.
00:22:21.270 --> 00:22:35.790 Ella DeSosa-Butler: This is what you say, or you don't say this, or, if you do this you'll seem slutty and you know I just don't think boys are that they have the week of all that expectation and on them.
00:22:36.210 --> 00:22:46.800 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And they're a little bit more free to kind of a word that we've been using expand into who they are, and so, because we might lose ourselves so early.
00:22:47.760 --> 00:22:54.840 Ella DeSosa-Butler: How do we trust our voices later on right because it's normally we were feeling, who we are there's that truth.
00:22:55.320 --> 00:23:06.000 Ella DeSosa-Butler: But then, if we're trying to live up to this thing that people are telling us, we should be there's this disconnect right so then where is that trust that you have in yourself and.
00:23:06.900 --> 00:23:17.010 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And I think this is why a lot of the women that I speak to and a lot of the things that I have read speak about how women tend to have imposter syndrome, a bit more and.
00:23:17.880 --> 00:23:31.350 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You know so that's something for us to think about like who is who we are and connect with that internal voice, because it's not about the expectation it's about who we are and standing in that truth.
00:23:31.620 --> 00:23:41.640 Lillie Nkenchor: Here, when you explain that concept really resonated with me, because you said a lot of time, women are trained very early on, on how to be women but we're not trying to be ourselves.
00:23:43.140 --> 00:23:59.370 Lillie Nkenchor: Right, just because we all happen to have the same chromosomes and biological anatomy does not mean with the same so someone should have been saying lily this is how you can learn to be yourself as opposed to lily, these are the steps that you need to take in order to be a good girl.
00:24:00.180 --> 00:24:07.770 Lillie Nkenchor: Exactly so yeah we're trying to be women but we're not trying to figure out who we are so that's.
00:24:08.610 --> 00:24:17.640 Lillie Nkenchor: amazing that's sad I think guys probably get the same thing I think they have a longer runway because, at some point now you have the expectation of being a provider.
00:24:17.880 --> 00:24:28.590 Lillie Nkenchor: And you got to be smart and you got to be dominant in your life so they probably get this to just later on, where I was really like indoctrinated from the moment we like seed sunlight.
00:24:30.690 --> 00:24:39.360 Ella DeSosa-Butler: it's funny because I bet, this is a conversation that i've had with friends for years and years, like the whole idea of like what it means to be a woman and what it means to be a man and.
00:24:39.960 --> 00:24:52.530 Ella DeSosa-Butler: A lot a lot of times when I have this conversation it comes down to sexuality and bear with me, you know follow me on this, not about sex per se, but how we express ourselves sexually so.
00:24:53.040 --> 00:24:59.550 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Right from the get men are taught that they're sexualities this thing that they should be proud of and.
00:24:59.910 --> 00:25:12.330 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Exercise right so in sexuality is at the core of human existence right so here's this thing that's at the core of who we are, as humans, that they are taught to celebrate and society celebrates their sexuality.
00:25:12.630 --> 00:25:27.300 Ella DeSosa-Butler: But this very important thing and women is something that we're taught to contain, because if we don't contain it then there is shame in that and that's the essence of being human right, so, therefore, that is the essence of being female.
00:25:28.320 --> 00:25:33.090 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And I think that that has a lot to do with the disconnect of women felt more.
00:25:33.630 --> 00:25:43.200 Ella DeSosa-Butler: kind of standing and whole and confident in their sexuality, that we are sexual beings and that sexualities equal and there's nothing to be ashamed of I think that would.
00:25:44.190 --> 00:25:54.330 Ella DeSosa-Butler: go very far in other aspects of our life so once again it's not about sex it's about our sexuality are women s our femininity right.
00:25:56.130 --> 00:26:02.850 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Back to this too right where you know how different cultures express and entertain and.
00:26:03.690 --> 00:26:11.280 Sankeetha Selvarajah: celebrate sexuality to so it runs the gamut there's some textual conversations here as well, you know and.
00:26:11.910 --> 00:26:16.500 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Is your culture also predominantly where the woman is more submissive where it's more.
00:26:17.340 --> 00:26:23.340 Sankeetha Selvarajah: You can limit is meant to be the nurturer and the women are supposed to be the woman or the House or it's a matriarchal society, you know.
00:26:23.670 --> 00:26:32.190 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Many layers about what is celebrated what isn't in it beyond the major societal portion of male female then there's culture.
00:26:32.460 --> 00:26:40.530 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Then there's your actual house and how you did it in your House, or what was normal or family and what was expected as well too so.
00:26:40.860 --> 00:26:49.800 Sankeetha Selvarajah: it's many different barriers that a person has to go through and that's been really about the awareness of themselves and their awareness of their own growth as well.
00:26:51.210 --> 00:26:59.100 Lillie Nkenchor: I love that point, because you may This reminds me of the conversation we had with Anwar last week about energy right, and unfortunately.
00:26:59.580 --> 00:27:05.310 Lillie Nkenchor: You know, there is masculine and feminine energy period that in and of itself it's not controversial I would hope right.
00:27:05.700 --> 00:27:08.010 Lillie Nkenchor: The controversy comes in, when we start to say.
00:27:08.310 --> 00:27:18.240 Lillie Nkenchor: i'm going to assign you to a particular energy so to keep point if you live in an environment where okay feminine energy is ABC and anyone who happens to have breasts.
00:27:18.480 --> 00:27:30.420 Lillie Nkenchor: must now go over to this category and anyone who doesn't must now go into this category now you start pigeonholing people as opposed to we both have both energies let's figure out how we can all use it so.
00:27:30.750 --> 00:27:37.740 Lillie Nkenchor: I love that and I know Keith before we go on break you wanted to talk about just a high level like what was the theme that you got.
00:27:43.500 --> 00:27:44.460 Lillie Nkenchor: keep you there can you.
00:27:44.820 --> 00:27:45.300 Ella DeSosa-Butler: hear us.
00:27:46.170 --> 00:27:48.750 Sankeetha Selvarajah: i'm here, I was waiting for commercial break.
00:27:49.050 --> 00:27:49.260 Oh.
00:27:50.730 --> 00:27:53.550 Lillie Nkenchor: We still have some time so I just wanted you to touch on really quickly.
00:27:54.600 --> 00:27:58.110 Sankeetha Selvarajah: And I didn't get you know, I was slow to warm up to this book.
00:27:58.260 --> 00:27:59.520 Lillie Nkenchor: Okay, you know.
00:28:00.210 --> 00:28:13.650 Sankeetha Selvarajah: This book I know only, it was because of Recommendation of you, ladies, I was like let me check it out they're raving about it, I want to see what the whole law about this is, but I have different points on this and we'll get back to that after this break.
00:28:15.060 --> 00:28:16.380 Ella DeSosa-Butler: she's gonna keep us waiting.
00:31:13.290 --> 00:31:17.910 Sankeetha Selvarajah: And we're back we're actually talking about the book untamed by Glenn and Doyle.
00:31:18.480 --> 00:31:26.940 Sankeetha Selvarajah: loosely talking about the concepts that we all glean from that and my two co hosts actually were raving about it, and so I had to read this.
00:31:27.240 --> 00:31:36.150 Sankeetha Selvarajah: amazing book that they were dropping gems from, and you know, I was very slow to get into it okay like I was like it took me a while, and I was like.
00:31:36.480 --> 00:31:44.970 Sankeetha Selvarajah: It was like tiny vignettes of her stories and what she took from it and the author was taking away from it as well, too, and I remember thinking, I was like.
00:31:45.780 --> 00:31:56.520 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Just like some you know some chick just talking about her issues like I didn't feel like it was so enlightening I thought it was like the clip and I was like okay great.
00:31:56.850 --> 00:32:06.300 Sankeetha Selvarajah: But as I listened to the takeaways that you know lily and elo we're pulling out, I was like Oh, I need to think deeper I need to actually look at this and one of my big takeaways.
00:32:06.990 --> 00:32:21.210 Sankeetha Selvarajah: cumulatively over this book was really about the author finding different ways of how she found her voice okay from in from from ella story about separating from the Pack and making your own voice and say hey no, I want to eat.
00:32:22.290 --> 00:32:29.970 Sankeetha Selvarajah: I don't care you all, but I want to eat okay and i'm going to make you know, and then it really break brought back the.
00:32:30.870 --> 00:32:37.140 Sankeetha Selvarajah: The point that has been consistently showing up in my life, where the quality of your life is measured by the conversations that you have.
00:32:37.560 --> 00:32:44.700 Sankeetha Selvarajah: With the people in your life and that really happens with saying your own voice or understanding your own voice to yourself and then express.
00:32:45.300 --> 00:32:55.140 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Now, so that was a big takeaway that was confirmed by reading most of this book and also just talking to you, ladies as well, too, I mean this thing has come up quite often.
00:32:55.470 --> 00:33:00.420 Sankeetha Selvarajah: In every area of our business of our personal lives, whether it's relationships friendships.
00:33:00.780 --> 00:33:11.610 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Colleagues, you know even family members and just having those hard hard conversations and it doesn't have to be as hard like you're you're in the corner and you're prepping yourself up have to do a couple push ups and things like that it's not like that.
00:33:11.850 --> 00:33:25.920 Sankeetha Selvarajah: it's about actually the hard conversation is being able to express and enunciate what exactly where exactly you're coming from and where to be and you're not being afraid of the repercussions of it.
00:33:27.240 --> 00:33:35.220 Lillie Nkenchor: I think that's a great point I love that point and you weren't going in and out a little bit so just want to make sure that everyone gets to hear these gems but you're right hard conversations.
00:33:35.430 --> 00:33:39.570 Lillie Nkenchor: And I don't think it just belongs to women, human beings, we don't want to hurt people's feelings.
00:33:40.230 --> 00:33:48.030 Lillie Nkenchor: We don't want to be rejected, we don't want someone else to feel rejected, we don't want to put our foot in our mouths and make it worse.
00:33:48.510 --> 00:33:59.550 Lillie Nkenchor: And so avoidance comes in it's hard to have hard conversations that's why they're called hard conversations like what was the last time you had a hard conversation and how did you have the hard conversations.
00:34:00.840 --> 00:34:01.380 Ella DeSosa-Butler: me.
00:34:03.210 --> 00:34:08.820 Ella DeSosa-Butler: talking to me i'm a hard conversation so as we were saying this morning on our call.
00:34:09.510 --> 00:34:17.850 Ella DeSosa-Butler: I have a lot of conversations with myself like I am constantly having a conversation with myself ever since I was a kid I very much been in my head so.
00:34:18.510 --> 00:34:27.570 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And I think i'm a bit of my own best therapist you know what I mean, and so I actually had a conversation.
00:34:28.320 --> 00:34:37.410 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Last week, so like bear with me and my analogies or my little stories i've been yes so last week, I went through a new listing with my partner.
00:34:37.710 --> 00:34:44.760 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And so after the listing we were in the lobby and we're just having a conversation and we hadn't seen each other for a while and she knew I had been under the weather.
00:34:45.480 --> 00:34:54.420 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You know, a couple days before so she said to me how are you feeling, so I went into this like song and dance that I do when people ask me how i'm feeling and i'm like Oh, you know.
00:34:54.780 --> 00:35:05.430 Ella DeSosa-Butler: I don't really feel that great but i'm not dying or anything I mean, I still incoming work, I can still do stuff I mean, I have a bit of a cough and i'm a little achy but i'm Okay, and I just go into this ella thing that I always do.
00:35:05.970 --> 00:35:10.200 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So, later on, I was thinking about that conversation.
00:35:10.830 --> 00:35:22.050 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And I thought to myself, I was thinking yeah you know i'm such a strong person like you know I like showing my resilience, this is what i'm telling myself that I was showing my partner Christina and I might have said talked about this last week.
00:35:22.890 --> 00:35:26.400 Ella DeSosa-Butler: But I was showing her my strength right and.
00:35:27.570 --> 00:35:35.670 Ella DeSosa-Butler: What I really thought about it again I realized that I wasn't showing her my strength, I was I didn't want to put the weight of me on Christine.
00:35:36.090 --> 00:35:46.080 Ella DeSosa-Butler: I thought me was too much for her so I needed to be okay because i'm too much right, and I think a lot of women can relate to that like containing ourselves.
00:35:46.650 --> 00:35:58.710 Ella DeSosa-Butler: um and then another thing that another Aha moment that I got from the book, you know that kind of connected with things that the author said in the book was.
00:36:00.390 --> 00:36:08.310 Ella DeSosa-Butler: A couple years ago I remember, I was seeing this therapist and I was describing to him relationships that I had had right and.
00:36:09.270 --> 00:36:18.540 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Every relationship I meet someone, and this is with men and women um you know it's romantic relationships and friendships I meet the person and i'm like.
00:36:18.990 --> 00:36:30.390 Ella DeSosa-Butler: All into their lives, like what do you want to do I think i've told you this before, what are your hopes and dreams Oh, you want to be a writer, I think I can help you with that whatever it is, and.
00:36:31.560 --> 00:36:37.950 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So, as I was recounting this to the therapist he stopped me and he goes, you know what you're doing right and I said what he said you're paying for the love.
00:36:38.880 --> 00:36:46.620 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And that just blew me away, and I know this is again I tell these stories over and over time, all the time, because they really are Aha moments.
00:36:47.310 --> 00:36:54.720 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And my entire life I knew that this thing I used to do with people like when we help you let me do this was odd because.
00:36:55.470 --> 00:37:02.760 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Like you know you might describe things as being nice, but a lot of times yeah it might it's nice but it's also like this pathological thing you're doing.
00:37:03.150 --> 00:37:11.580 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So I knew it seemed odd and when he said that that was so clarifying for me, so I enter relationships feeling I have to put a down payment down.
00:37:12.120 --> 00:37:21.060 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Right it's my down payment and um and I yeah I wonder how many other women can like you know think like think about that, because women are.
00:37:21.360 --> 00:37:31.350 Ella DeSosa-Butler: very much like givers like that's how we're described and that's how a lot of women describes himself in such a giver i'm so nurturing i'm so this, but what part of that is.
00:37:32.040 --> 00:37:41.940 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You know your authentic self or you know and what part of that is your need to you know make your down payment for what you you don't deserve right.
00:37:42.600 --> 00:37:46.590 Lillie Nkenchor: Oh, my God what a good story you're putting down payments on relationships.
00:37:47.070 --> 00:37:49.410 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Right now, all my money back.
00:37:52.860 --> 00:37:53.370 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You know.
00:37:53.910 --> 00:37:54.660 Lillie Nkenchor: money's gone.
00:37:56.970 --> 00:37:58.890 Ella DeSosa-Butler: I don't need to get down payment right.
00:37:59.400 --> 00:38:08.430 Lillie Nkenchor: You know, when you said that it reminded me of a story that oprah said and i'm paraphrasing so don't like writing, but you didn't get the story right relax oprah was.
00:38:09.360 --> 00:38:16.800 Lillie Nkenchor: talking to stedman everyone knows stedman is her lifelong partner up I guess three decades at this point, and she asked them in.
00:38:18.180 --> 00:38:23.910 Lillie Nkenchor: don't you think that i'm nice like i'm a nice person and he said no you're not a nice person.
00:38:24.960 --> 00:38:38.460 Lillie Nkenchor: And she was taken aback like i'm Nice because everyone wants to be considered nice like, no one will say i'm proud, not to be a nice person so she was taken aback he was like hear me out, he was like you're a helpful person.
00:38:39.090 --> 00:38:48.720 Lillie Nkenchor: you're a warm person, but you're not Nice in the way that America likes to define women as Nice as like constantly being self sacrificing and available.
00:38:49.350 --> 00:38:56.130 Lillie Nkenchor: you're not Nice in that way, but you are, you are warm and you are helpful and that helped her redefine.
00:38:56.460 --> 00:39:09.150 Lillie Nkenchor: Nice and all of that stuff which was helpful to me because i've never considered myself like Nice because I see what we mean when we say nice it's like the woman who's laying her whole body on the puddle.
00:39:10.110 --> 00:39:13.920 Lillie Nkenchor: Nobody else can cross the street and i'm like no i'm not that chain I don't I don't know what she.
00:39:15.510 --> 00:39:17.790 Lillie Nkenchor: needs to get up I don't know what she's doing down there.
00:39:18.180 --> 00:39:18.450 Right.
00:39:20.070 --> 00:39:36.030 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Through the Nice girl Okay, because I don't think we, I think we try to be because someone expects us to be but i'll be honest my greatest liberating moment was when I stopped being Nice and just be myself and just wanted to say and be like no.
00:39:37.110 --> 00:39:41.700 Sankeetha Selvarajah: i'm okay like even this book I like it, I want it to be nice girls and be like.
00:39:44.130 --> 00:39:46.410 Ella DeSosa-Butler: No matter what we did she still wouldn't.
00:39:47.730 --> 00:39:50.070 Lillie Nkenchor: care about what this little chick is talking about.
00:39:52.560 --> 00:40:08.850 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Like No, this is just some wine E CIG right here and I don't know what this it had it took me a while, but review, where I was coming from so there was all you know the longer that you're Nice, I feel like you're prolonging the truth.
00:40:10.530 --> 00:40:11.340 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Okay you're just.
00:40:12.420 --> 00:40:17.010 Sankeetha Selvarajah: waiting for it to grow and all its growing as resentment say it's okay.
00:40:18.060 --> 00:40:27.120 Sankeetha Selvarajah: yeah that's the thing and I felt like I missed the last like at least four wrinkles that day that I decided to stop being Nice.
00:40:28.410 --> 00:40:37.350 Lillie Nkenchor: yeah it's okay to define ourselves in different words like you want to be intelligent you want to be thoughtful I consider myself thoughtful I consider myself considered i'm like okay.
00:40:37.650 --> 00:40:46.050 Lillie Nkenchor: Hello or somebody is going through something, let me call them, let me ask how they're doing some people might call that Nice I just consider that being thoughtful.
00:40:46.260 --> 00:40:50.940 Lillie Nkenchor: Like i'm thinking of another person, and I take the initiative to reach out for them reach out to them.
00:40:51.450 --> 00:41:02.700 Lillie Nkenchor: That can be I appreciate that more than someone who's just Nice because I don't even know if you really mean it when you're nice, but you really mean it when you call somebody to say you sound it off yesterday, how are you feeling.
00:41:03.510 --> 00:41:12.720 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So I mean it's so true like language is so important it's like in helping us to kind of understand you know what we're feeling like really nailing it down and.
00:41:12.990 --> 00:41:18.660 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Nice is a word that I often have an issue with because i'm like well what exactly does that mean right.
00:41:19.050 --> 00:41:30.930 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And it's funny because I have that weren't laughing with happy like people are like but are you happy and i'm like well happiness isn't this static thing you feel all the time I don't walk around like zippy do die like what is me.
00:41:31.200 --> 00:41:31.710 Ella DeSosa-Butler: I know that.
00:41:31.950 --> 00:41:44.310 Ella DeSosa-Butler: There are moments, where I feel joyful and then there's lots of times, where i'm just like you know I think i'm not I don't know much about Buddhism, but I remember someone explained to me this Buddhist concept of walking the middle path.
00:41:44.820 --> 00:41:58.590 Ella DeSosa-Butler: you're neither sad nor are you happy, but you're just walking the middle path and a lot of times i'm just walking the middle back and i'm Okay, you know, so these ideas that we have to be this or that or this or that like I think there.
00:41:59.730 --> 00:42:05.490 Ella DeSosa-Butler: They are a lot of times they just throw us off because they make us think something's wrong right right yeah.
00:42:08.790 --> 00:42:18.330 Lillie Nkenchor: I mean kids did you have another Aha moment, I think you were telling us something about like business and personal and all of that stuff that you got from this book that you didn't like it.
00:42:19.170 --> 00:42:25.890 Sankeetha Selvarajah: I like some parts, the parts that I did like i'm talking about it, the other parts I didn't like I forgot about it, they don't they don't.
00:42:28.020 --> 00:42:41.160 Sankeetha Selvarajah: go through like Okay, but one of the biggest takeaways was the fact that it's hard to separate business and personal by now elaborate more on that when we come back from this commercial break as well.
00:42:42.540 --> 00:42:43.170 Lillie Nkenchor: cliffhanger.
00:42:44.010 --> 00:42:44.910 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Know dropping them.
00:42:46.440 --> 00:42:48.150 off radio and my see.
00:45:00.510 --> 00:45:08.970 Sankeetha Selvarajah: And we're back we're talking about takeaways from the book i'm team by Glenn and Doyle and, for some reason I am back with the clipping.
00:45:12.000 --> 00:45:22.080 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Basically, I thought that the hardest conversations, are the ones that you have with yourself, and one thing that I did see in this book that was my takeaway as well, too, is.
00:45:22.470 --> 00:45:37.200 Sankeetha Selvarajah: People will hold you to their limitations, so when people judge you they are really, really judging you to what they have experienced and what their limitations are so if they haven't experienced greatness, and they haven't experienced their success in your world.
00:45:38.520 --> 00:45:47.070 Sankeetha Selvarajah: One of the things that this book talked about was like they would hold you to that level so to actually take everyone kind of walking that middle path that Allah was talking about, with a grain of salt.
00:45:47.550 --> 00:45:59.670 Sankeetha Selvarajah: and saying you know, this is where your journey has, thank you for your input, I will take that into consideration, but i'm going to be walking my own path, and that was my big takeaway with that as well too how about you.
00:46:00.780 --> 00:46:01.890 Sankeetha Selvarajah: What was your big takeaway.
00:46:02.220 --> 00:46:08.670 Lillie Nkenchor: knows interesting before I get into my takeaway out before the break you were talking about like how business and personal aren't separate.
00:46:08.940 --> 00:46:16.890 Lillie Nkenchor: And I love for you to tell me like what does that mean, because some people feel like i'm this way I work in this way I home and they're completely two separate like beasts.
00:46:17.610 --> 00:46:28.140 Sankeetha Selvarajah: So I mean i've been practicing law for about 12 years and i've been a business consultant for 15 and one of the things that i've definitely found that people run their businesses the way they run their personal lives.
00:46:29.250 --> 00:46:36.180 Sankeetha Selvarajah: How many people let's take a beat here think about this, how many people have the personal lives in order right, so you kind of have to think about.
00:46:38.160 --> 00:46:39.120 Lillie Nkenchor: what you mean by water.
00:46:41.970 --> 00:46:49.410 Sankeetha Selvarajah: You know if you're talking about communication if you're great with communication in your personal library level than honest aware conversations.
00:46:50.160 --> 00:46:55.020 Sankeetha Selvarajah: That are transparent, in your personal life, they will bleed over into how you manage a team.
00:46:55.440 --> 00:47:00.090 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Right, are you having these conversations with your team is such a way, like the way that you were ready your team meeting right.
00:47:00.450 --> 00:47:09.660 Sankeetha Selvarajah: This is how you are, as a person you're conscientious you want to make sure everybody gets to say at the table, this is the person like this obviously bled over right and.
00:47:10.170 --> 00:47:18.570 Sankeetha Selvarajah: That was one of the takeaways that I saw, especially with blended in this book, from what I gleaned from her story was the fact that, when she was passionate about something when she had a cause.
00:47:18.900 --> 00:47:33.750 Sankeetha Selvarajah: She went out and started a full out activist movement because of something that she's on her personal life she made a business out of it Okay, so it bleeds over because you're the common denominator right now I love that.
00:47:33.810 --> 00:47:43.830 Lillie Nkenchor: I love that I love that Aha moment like business and personal are separate how you run your business and then I love Ellis Aha moment about paying for love or putting a down payment on relationships.
00:47:44.430 --> 00:47:53.280 Lillie Nkenchor: I as painful, as it is to say it out loud because it took me a while to be able to say it, but there was a little voice that was telling me that I was not good enough.
00:47:53.790 --> 00:48:02.640 Lillie Nkenchor: Like I had to be something else I had to be something more in both my personal and business relationships in order to be worthy.
00:48:03.150 --> 00:48:09.420 Lillie Nkenchor: to receive whatever it is that i'm trying to receive it's it's similar to the pay for love ella I.
00:48:10.350 --> 00:48:21.450 Lillie Nkenchor: I wasn't putting a down payment on relationships, it was more like me feeling like I needed to be more and do more, before I could get what more of what I wanted.
00:48:21.990 --> 00:48:31.200 Lillie Nkenchor: And I didn't realize that because i've been very like miss independent I got this under control, you know people your friends and family look at you a certain way and so they're positive opinion.
00:48:31.500 --> 00:48:37.710 Lillie Nkenchor: Of you seeps into your brain and so you think that's how you see yourself, but then like in the low shadow.
00:48:38.640 --> 00:48:48.060 Lillie Nkenchor: Is this voice it's like you're not you're not good enough to get that you're not good enough to run that business you're not good enough to maintain that relationship you're not good enough to get the type of relationship that you want.
00:48:48.420 --> 00:48:59.820 Lillie Nkenchor: Whatever it is and not until I really saw it playing out in somebody else's life I love this book did I see Oh, I think that's me too.
00:49:00.300 --> 00:49:17.550 Lillie Nkenchor: And to have that realization honestly was painful and it's something I needed to work out with my therapist and it's not like the feeling has gone away it's just gotten smaller like I can manage it better now, but that was it's good for me to know that now because.
00:49:18.720 --> 00:49:24.570 Lillie Nkenchor: I just didn't know that that was the little self top self sabotaging voice that was playing on in the background.
00:49:25.560 --> 00:49:28.710 Sankeetha Selvarajah: To follow it just to ask you this, did you ever find.
00:49:29.790 --> 00:49:32.100 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Our personal inner voice was imperative.
00:49:33.270 --> 00:49:33.840 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Like how much.
00:49:34.650 --> 00:49:44.790 Lillie Nkenchor: I didn't find out that it was inherited I found out that and I won't throw people under the bus, but you know people in our past who are instrumental in our upbringing.
00:49:45.210 --> 00:50:00.720 Lillie Nkenchor: say things on purpose and accidentally not realizing they've planted not just a frickin see they planted like a an oak tree in your mind that stays with you forever and ever so I now know where it came from.
00:50:01.500 --> 00:50:06.540 Sankeetha Selvarajah: And it's not just familiar for me anyways I can speak for myself, some of my inherited.
00:50:07.110 --> 00:50:14.970 Sankeetha Selvarajah: views before I started to be really, really conscientious aware and it still trickles in is like someone influential in your life like an older.
00:50:15.240 --> 00:50:28.260 Sankeetha Selvarajah: person, a mentor I you know some of that you admire a good girlfriend you know, an ex boyfriend is someone that will you are in close contact with daily to hear their inner thoughts as well to you start to take on their.
00:50:28.860 --> 00:50:36.270 Sankeetha Selvarajah: beliefs as well too so it's really choosing who you surround yourself as well too because you're consistently inheriting if you're not being aware.
00:50:39.390 --> 00:50:44.790 Ella DeSosa-Butler: True, I am I, like piggybacking on what lily was saying.
00:50:45.810 --> 00:50:46.500 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And you know.
00:50:47.700 --> 00:50:52.740 Ella DeSosa-Butler: inheriting things like I find it interesting like the story, I told you about my partner, and you know.
00:50:53.370 --> 00:51:03.330 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Wanting to not have like my weight on her I think it's interesting that initially when I was having the conversation with myself, I was like oh look at how great I am i'm being resilient.
00:51:03.870 --> 00:51:10.320 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Because what I realized is that thing that i'm always fighting against right was masquerading as something positive.
00:51:11.190 --> 00:51:17.850 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So, so that that often happens, I think, with us, you know what I mean like those bad habits or those bad decisions.
00:51:18.180 --> 00:51:22.380 Ella DeSosa-Butler: will try to sneak their way in as something positive, and I think that's why like.
00:51:22.680 --> 00:51:30.720 Ella DeSosa-Butler: A lot of times like people who enter abusive relationships or are in abusive relationships like will have subsequent abusive relationships.
00:51:30.900 --> 00:51:37.230 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Right, I think people are like well why they you know how could they choose another person, that is, you know is abusive to them.
00:51:37.620 --> 00:51:45.060 Ella DeSosa-Butler: that's because they see that thing that new relationship and they go oh like but he's Nice or she's Nice or this.
00:51:45.540 --> 00:52:01.470 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And they met they make it it's masquerading as something else but it's that same route that same sickness that same negativity right that they feel comfortable in so they're walking towards it, so a lot of times the things we want to get away from they trick us.
00:52:02.130 --> 00:52:02.820 by pretending.
00:52:04.170 --> 00:52:18.690 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Right like that's why we have to be like super astute and self aware and have those hard conversations with ourselves, they trick us because we're walking towards something we feel comfortable with because we know it, not because it's good for us yeah.
00:52:18.750 --> 00:52:26.370 Lillie Nkenchor: No that's brilliant, because I think the voice that says you're not good enough tricked into believing oh you're just you're just a hard worker.
00:52:26.670 --> 00:52:34.740 Lillie Nkenchor: Right you're just driver and you don't settle that's why that's why that's why, but what it was really doing was saying.
00:52:34.920 --> 00:52:47.670 Lillie Nkenchor: yeah, no matter what is like they have a secret, behind me to like, no matter what we're going to tell us she's not good enough oh yeah girl you're doing good you're doing good and meanwhile the little voices like we're never gonna let her feel good enough.
00:52:47.850 --> 00:53:01.200 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Right and I actually told a story to a friend, and I was like, as I was having this conversation with myself and thinking it was almost like I saw shadow like when I actually saw what it was, I was like I see you like.
00:53:02.700 --> 00:53:04.620 Ella DeSosa-Butler: It was trying to like go across.
00:53:06.510 --> 00:53:08.310 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Now everybody's like I was crazy.
00:53:09.660 --> 00:53:18.420 Ella DeSosa-Butler: i'm a little crazy, but like I did I felt like I saw a frickin shadow and i'm like I see you try to masquerade and I just picked it up, and it was so enlightening.
00:53:19.080 --> 00:53:26.400 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You know what I mean and and another thing I wanted to say, is what just what St keep it was saying, like you know, things are inherited.
00:53:27.360 --> 00:53:39.600 Ella DeSosa-Butler: um so i've been watching the show, by the way the sinner who is on netflix it's very, very good I forget who bill pullman is in it he's an amazing actor and without giving it away like you know there's this.
00:53:39.600 --> 00:53:51.030 Ella DeSosa-Butler: see where like he has this near death experience that he's actually brought on himself and as he's having this experience a lot of the memories that come back are from his childhood.
00:53:51.420 --> 00:53:56.820 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You know, and the guys like I don't know bill pullman is probably seen as 60 so the character, obviously, is around that age.
00:53:58.230 --> 00:54:00.660 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And, quite honestly, a lot of the characters in it.
00:54:01.710 --> 00:54:10.110 Ella DeSosa-Butler: A lot of the memories, they have that i'm are affecting how they're living in my you know present day life are of like you know 678 years old.
00:54:10.710 --> 00:54:22.950 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So to what Sankey the saying it's like yeah how much of our subconscious have all these things that were baked in right from you know ages zero to 17 are sort of.
00:54:24.180 --> 00:54:26.160 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Informing how we're acting today.
00:54:26.460 --> 00:54:37.770 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Right and it's like it's about unpacking all that stuff so we're not making because we're not really when when you're living without sort of this self analysis, I guess, and of course there can be too much.
00:54:38.160 --> 00:54:40.620 Ella DeSosa-Butler: you're living with this like filter on your face.
00:54:40.980 --> 00:54:56.490 Ella DeSosa-Butler: But you realize that you're seeing and I friend of mine actually use this analogy you don't realize that everything you're seeing is through this lens it's only when you take the filter off that you could say oh i'm seeing it through this it's not really you know what I mean yeah.
00:54:57.990 --> 00:55:07.980 Sankeetha Selvarajah: You brought that up because there was a she's a child psychologist actually and she told me this a long time ago, like about five years ago she said this to me, but she said.
00:55:08.730 --> 00:55:21.300 Sankeetha Selvarajah: Everyone is really relating from their first hurt that they ever went through okay so everything that ever happened from you know four or five six whenever your first memorable hurt was.
00:55:21.870 --> 00:55:32.190 Sankeetha Selvarajah: that's how you're still operating your coping mechanisms start from there, and just delete building on that adding to that confirming that and.
00:55:32.730 --> 00:55:49.680 Sankeetha Selvarajah: get to a point, until you realize what that is and heal that purse hurt and that really, really grow from that point on, and it was she goes because she's a child psychologist she could easily just be like we start then start early because I get to see she gets to see them at that point.
00:55:50.880 --> 00:55:57.750 Sankeetha Selvarajah: People who are like they say hurt people hurt other people or another saying is like we're all walking up.
00:56:00.420 --> 00:56:01.050 information.
00:56:02.280 --> 00:56:05.220 Ella DeSosa-Butler: They get with you guys it's like who needs therapy, we should get together.
00:56:05.850 --> 00:56:06.960 Lillie Nkenchor: To service.
00:56:07.980 --> 00:56:14.790 Lillie Nkenchor: We only have like a minute left one hour I wanted to turn it over to you, Alan, but one thing I wanted to say just very quickly is just.
00:56:15.120 --> 00:56:22.080 Lillie Nkenchor: The general theme for me was your life is bigger than what it looks like to your filter analogy, you can have a big life.
00:56:22.620 --> 00:56:34.200 Lillie Nkenchor: not limited by what people told you, who, you should be and how you should behave so just take off the mask take off the filter practice taking it off and live that big cheetah in the wildlife.
00:56:34.530 --> 00:56:48.690 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Rare right, I had to do that, you know that so Thank you everyone for joining us this is great, I mean every time I come in here I get something new it's it's great I love you guys and hopefully you guys out there loved us too.
00:56:49.290 --> 00:57:01.050 Ella DeSosa-Butler: We have a lot of great episodes planned in the future we're we're still sorting them out, but you're going to learn more about us and what each of us does and that's it 630 out that a good way to end it.
00:57:01.680 --> 00:57:02.340 Lillie Nkenchor: will take that.