Our personal lives and businesses lives have something in common, relationships. Join Ella, Lillie, Keeth and their special guest, Anwar White, as they dissect the intersectionality between our romantic and business relationships. Let’s discuss how being good at one can help being good at the other.
Ella, Lillie, and Keeth reintroduce themselves, as well as their guest for today's episode, Anwar White, a relationship coach. Lillie explains how the three typically begin the podcast episodes, by going through the wins of the week, and invites Anwar to join them. Anwar explains that he does a similar exercise with his clients, by going through their “highlights” and “lowlights”, and he describes his highlights and lowlights for the week. Anwar explains what he does for his career as a relationship coach, as well as teaching marketing classes at McGill University. Ella, Lillie, and Keeth go through their wins of the week, and Keeth explains the highlights and lowlights of her wins of the week. Anwar discusses his journey of getting a MBA at Columbia University, and how he arrived at his current position as a relationship coach. He explains that he has always had a talent for helping others for their relationships, and the women he met while at college motivated him to pursue this career, as everything in their lives were going successfully except for their love lives, and he wanted to help them with their love lives. He continues to explain why he coaches mostly women, even though he has coached men in the past.
Ella and Anwar discuss how Anwar’s sexuality is a benefit to him and his clients, as by being a gay man he understands both sides of the relationship, and has a good balance on working on all aspects of helping women find a partner. Lillie describes the misogyny that can be found in many heterosexual male dating coaches, who she has found focus on the external changes, and their coaching focuses more on changing one’s entire personality and look, than helping the woman as they are. Anwar discusses different dating strategies he employs while working with clients, with a focus on how a person wants to be in their relationship. Anwar explains how roles in a relationship tend to change overtime, as well one's feminine and masculine energies change with age as well. Ella explains that she feels with age she is embracing her masculine side more than she had in the past. Lillie and Anwar discuss the possibility of being masculine in one’s career and business, while being feminine with their partner, and Anwar explains that one can lean into their masculine and feminine energies at different times, and they don’t have to have a strict balance between the two all of the time.
Lillie asks Anwar a hypothetical, that if she wants to lean on her masculinity in her work life and femininity in her love life, how would she lean into her feminine energy while at home. Anwar explains that there are three levels of femininity, and the differences between the levels, and how allowing yourself to be vulnerable is one way you can lean into your feminine energy in a relationship. Keeth and Anwar discuss how one of the most important parts in beginning a relationship is understanding yourself first, and becoming the partner that you wish you had and that you wish you could be. They shift their conversation to online dating, and Anwar explains that he does make use of online dating for many of his busy clients, who when they go on a date that the date is worth their time. Anwar discusses how he loves online dating, and that he’s a fan of Hinge and Match, and those are the places he would suggest people go for online dating. Anwar explains how to best create your profile for online dating, and to focus on showing rather than telling to present yourself, as well as ask questions in your profile to engage the reader. As for pictures, he explains that many of his clients use pictures almost always travel pictures, but he believes that a majority of your pictures on your profile should represent your daily life, to give potential partners insight on what being in a relationship with you would look like. Anwar explains the process that his clients go through when engaging in exclusivity in relationships, and that he believes having a conversation about exclusivity is important in a relationship.
The four discuss the parallels between business and relationships, as Anwar has a business degree, but he explains how there aren't many parallels between the two. He explains how many people are not one hundred percent themselves while at work, and how they interact with their coworkers and clients is very different from how they interact with family and friends. Along with this, we are taught from a young age to not be vulnerable while at work, as that is viewed as weak, and Anwar explains that it will be difficult to make a real connection in a relationship if we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable. The four discuss how Anwar project manages his clients relationships, and how having a timeline on specifics on what they want their partner to do will hurt them more than help them in the long run. Anwar explains that consistency is important in dating, and without consistency there is a less likely chance that you can enter into a committed relationship, along with the importance of communicating in a relationship. Ella, Lillie, and Keeth discuss what their takeaways from Anwar’s advice is.
00:00:24.390 --> 00:00:37.830 Ella DeSosa-Butler: hi everyone, welcome to the 630 call I am ella to Sosa Butler actually I think i'm just going to start saying ella because this is our third episode and I feel like i'm getting to know, everybody, no more Mrs ella Sosa Butler so.
00:00:38.460 --> 00:00:53.250 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Welcome to our show i'm looking out the window what a beautiful day in New York it's sunny it's warm and i'm excited to talk to everybody, and I am hosting the show with my pod saying keepin ella you're also on a first name basis with them hi ladies.
00:00:53.760 --> 00:00:54.600 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: fergie bed Allah.
00:00:54.630 --> 00:00:58.170 Ella DeSosa-Butler: there's two of you think it will I wish there were two with me, but now.
00:01:00.810 --> 00:01:08.400 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: How is everyone i'm stinky this over Raja and I am here with lily as well slowly there does she.
00:01:08.850 --> 00:01:09.900 Lillie Nkenchor: Take care can you hear me.
00:01:10.230 --> 00:01:11.250 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: yeah I can hear you.
00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:19.050 Lillie Nkenchor: yeah i'm here in sunny brooklyn, it is very beautiful here and i'm happy to be with you guys in our guest today.
00:01:23.370 --> 00:01:25.800 Anwar White, Mr: Hello Hello Hello Hello everyone.
00:01:26.250 --> 00:01:27.810 Lillie Nkenchor: Oh, Mr Anwar.
00:01:29.190 --> 00:01:30.090 Anwar White, Mr: how's it going.
00:01:30.720 --> 00:01:32.970 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Good how we normally start off our.
00:01:32.970 --> 00:01:45.450 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: pod is we talk about our wins for the week and any challenges that we've had, and then we talk about our business so you're welcome to join us from the beginning and tell us what's been working for you what's not.
00:01:46.020 --> 00:01:48.030 Anwar White, Mr: yeah it's actually really funny because.
00:01:48.390 --> 00:01:58.590 Anwar White, Mr: When I work with my clients that's, the first thing that I do in my sessions as well, we talked about the highlights, and we talked about the low lights, and the reason that we do, that is because it's important to be able to communicate.
00:01:59.100 --> 00:02:03.900 Anwar White, Mr: Both your wins and their losses, I think, for a lot of women of color.
00:02:04.470 --> 00:02:11.370 Anwar White, Mr: it's hard to actually do that in a professional setting because you might come off as to to practice braggadocio.
00:02:11.670 --> 00:02:21.630 Anwar White, Mr: Or you want to be that strong black woman and so it's hard to talk about those struggles so that's actually something that I do in my with my clients as well, and in terms of my wins.
00:02:22.590 --> 00:02:31.260 Anwar White, Mr: I signed three new clients this week one product manager from Singapore and entertainment lawyer from Toronto, and a consultant from Chicago.
00:02:31.740 --> 00:02:46.830 Anwar White, Mr: Like all in the past three days so i'm happy to bring them on board with all of the other amazing women that i'm talking to and then in terms of my what I call my low lights, I would just say that the weather is really nice and Montreal, and I want to get my life.
00:02:48.210 --> 00:02:49.500 Anwar White, Mr: Back at home.
00:02:49.920 --> 00:02:59.430 Anwar White, Mr: I have a really cute desk life going on, but I want to live my real life, and I want to be out in the streets, you know so i'm kind of just feeling that moment right now.
00:02:59.790 --> 00:03:11.910 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Well let's let's pause and take it back a little bit because everybody knows what we do and who we are, but tell us a little bit about you, Mr, what do you, what do you do in Montreal.
00:03:12.120 --> 00:03:19.860 Anwar White, Mr: yeah so um I am a dating and relationship coach for smart and successful women mostly black women.
00:03:20.160 --> 00:03:34.530 Anwar White, Mr: And what I do is I really help them date effectively heal their heart teach them about vulnerability and communication, so that they can get their guy, which is the name of my coaching program and the name of my company.
00:03:34.800 --> 00:03:46.350 Anwar White, Mr: I also on the side I also teach marketing and retail at mcgill university because I love teaching it's just part of my soul, and so I teach a course every semester so.
00:03:47.070 --> 00:03:50.070 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: I think I need to say this, he is living in Canada.
00:03:50.370 --> 00:03:51.750 Anwar White, Mr: Because I live in Montreal.
00:03:52.140 --> 00:03:55.170 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: I have to put the Canadian plug because y'all know i'm from Toronto right.
00:03:55.350 --> 00:03:55.620 So.
00:03:56.850 --> 00:03:58.770 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Number two and half the time so.
00:03:58.830 --> 00:04:00.870 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: we're evenly matched now but.
00:04:02.250 --> 00:04:06.000 Lillie Nkenchor: He has such beautiful things about Montreal know, I know, can you call when I get there.
00:04:06.120 --> 00:04:07.290 Anwar White, Mr: Yes, ma'am.
00:04:08.610 --> 00:04:09.210 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: you'll love it.
00:04:09.240 --> 00:04:14.460 Lillie Nkenchor: I love my I will love it and keep thanks for asking the question about our wins and losses this week.
00:04:15.540 --> 00:04:17.310 Lillie Nkenchor: This might seem like a small win.
00:04:17.550 --> 00:04:20.250 Lillie Nkenchor: But after this i'm going to go get my nails done.
00:04:21.570 --> 00:04:32.160 Lillie Nkenchor: that's a win for me because i'm so used to grinding and waking up early and going to bed late that it doesn't occur to me consistently enough to take care of myself.
00:04:32.490 --> 00:04:38.640 Lillie Nkenchor: So i'm going to a place where they just do really fancy design, so when I walk out of there i'm just going to be talking like this to people.
00:04:40.260 --> 00:04:49.530 Lillie Nkenchor: so that they can see that I took care of myself today um and I would say the challenges we got a couple of clients that needed to be talked off the ledge today.
00:04:49.800 --> 00:05:04.500 Lillie Nkenchor: It was like everyone was drinking panic juice and I didn't understand what was happening so I had to spend a lot of time away from actually working on my business to put out these many fires and I found that to be challenging this week.
00:05:05.970 --> 00:05:16.530 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: I think my wins for this week is it's continuous wins i'm in the middle of two deals right now so it's a win and it's a highlight on a low light to us, and whereas language.
00:05:16.830 --> 00:05:27.270 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: In the fact that the highlight will be when it is over okay so with a future, when so every day is a day I can cross off like we're one step closer Okay, and then.
00:05:27.840 --> 00:05:29.280 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: The low light is.
00:05:29.580 --> 00:05:42.150 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: i'm in the middle of two deals and it's doing a deal, by the way, and I was just telling these ladies it's like being on a college all nighter for like four or five days consistently okay so you're consistently on kind of called trying to change the paperwork.
00:05:42.390 --> 00:05:48.810 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Dealing with six different peoples your project managing at the same time, just so you can close the sale for a client.
00:05:49.290 --> 00:05:59.220 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: And it's interesting just to see how many emotions come up when people are trying to sell a company so that's also the people management that comes in there as well, to.
00:06:01.140 --> 00:06:05.760 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Which is the interesting segue into Mr and for you have an MBA.
00:06:06.540 --> 00:06:07.710 Anwar White, Mr: Do I got my.
00:06:07.920 --> 00:06:08.700 Anwar White, Mr: Alarm via.
00:06:10.080 --> 00:06:24.150 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Your phone without Colombian MBA and he's now doing this, so let's talk about how that came about and because I know that was also a factor, because from our story together, you were saying that you would set up your own college.
00:06:25.230 --> 00:06:28.800 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: friendships or friends to actually get their guy.
00:06:28.920 --> 00:06:35.340 Anwar White, Mr: I bet yeah yeah well did we did we go to our wins for Allah I don't want to make sure that we skipped over.
00:06:35.940 --> 00:06:37.290 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: It she did she do it with.
00:06:37.530 --> 00:06:41.490 Ella DeSosa-Butler: No, I didn't do my win, but I do well, I have, thank you and work for.
00:06:41.490 --> 00:06:42.810 Anwar White, Mr: Remember cars grow.
00:06:43.050 --> 00:06:43.860 Anwar White, Mr: Somebody got it.
00:06:45.300 --> 00:06:45.600 Anwar White, Mr: got it.
00:06:48.930 --> 00:06:51.450 Anwar White, Mr: Okay he's got an advocate for my girl Allah.
00:06:52.260 --> 00:07:03.270 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Oh, my gosh i'm so I have of course my wind is always some deep like psychological whatever but it's I had an Epiphany in the middle of the night okay and.
00:07:04.410 --> 00:07:16.110 Ella DeSosa-Butler: It okay it's it was an Epiphany about something that happened the day before, so the day before I went to meet my partner, we have a new listing in brooklyn and after the listing I was sitting down with my partner and.
00:07:17.220 --> 00:07:23.310 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You know I wasn't feeling well and so she was like you know, are you feeling Okay, because I had told her in the apartment that we weren't feeling well, so I sat down.
00:07:23.850 --> 00:07:36.090 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And I said, you know what I don't feel great but it's not like i'm dying or anything, and I was like yeah you know i'll be fine I mean, I have a really strong good constitution, and I was basically making.
00:07:36.930 --> 00:07:42.780 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Like saying I wasn't I didn't feel well but saying that i'm going to be okay, and she shouldn't worry about me right.
00:07:43.110 --> 00:07:49.530 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And I go into this whole song and dance, which I do often so last night i'm lying in bed and i'm like recounting that whole thing.
00:07:49.920 --> 00:08:00.420 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And i'm like thinking to myself, do I do that because i'm a strong person or do I do it because I think i'm the weight of me on another person is too much.
00:08:00.810 --> 00:08:10.530 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And I don't want them to worry about me like I don't feel like putting my weight on another person it's like i'm not i'm too heavy does that make any sense to you.
00:08:10.530 --> 00:08:10.980 guys.
00:08:12.870 --> 00:08:14.280 Lillie Nkenchor: awesome that is an Epiphany.
00:08:14.580 --> 00:08:19.380 Ella DeSosa-Butler: I was like no i'm not trying to be strong, I think i'm too much.
00:08:20.280 --> 00:08:30.090 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So it's like i'm like don't don't worry about me when i'm saying thank you and so that was my Epiphany and my I came out of that moment in the middle of the night before him, saying you know what.
00:08:30.450 --> 00:08:40.920 Ella DeSosa-Butler: i'm okay when i'm heavy and it's okay for me to put it out there it's okay for me to say I don't feel good and that was it that was my highlight I like that I like that word.
00:08:42.420 --> 00:08:44.790 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: highlight from now on, I like that I like the light.
00:08:45.270 --> 00:08:49.020 Lillie Nkenchor: yeah we would have missed that Jim if it weren't for Anwar.
00:08:49.080 --> 00:08:49.710 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: I know.
00:08:51.150 --> 00:08:53.010 Anwar White, Mr: I am, I am the new member.
00:08:53.040 --> 00:08:59.850 Anwar White, Mr: i'll get this now I have solidified my position that y'all can't get rid of me.
00:09:01.260 --> 00:09:03.390 Ella DeSosa-Butler: The wrangler he's like the wrangler.
00:09:04.290 --> 00:09:06.510 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: we're gonna be n words angels okay.
00:09:12.060 --> 00:09:14.670 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: So can I can I have permission to.
00:09:14.730 --> 00:09:16.140 Lillie Nkenchor: Gas gas if we need to.
00:09:16.140 --> 00:09:17.250 Ella DeSosa-Butler: get paid right.
00:09:17.640 --> 00:09:18.540 Lillie Nkenchor: yeah go ahead.
00:09:18.690 --> 00:09:30.960 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: i'm Mr to recaps Okay, how did your journey from MBA or what happened during that time that now do you didn't do this, all the time right and started so.
00:09:31.500 --> 00:09:34.500 Anwar White, Mr: I will say that i've been doing this, since I was like.
00:09:34.920 --> 00:09:39.990 Anwar White, Mr: In the playground of elementary school helping the boys talk to the girls and the girls talk to the boys.
00:09:40.200 --> 00:09:49.680 Anwar White, Mr: You know, I was doubled that chain and also playing basketball, so I was always someone that was able to mingle with so many different crowds and so many different people and between both.
00:09:49.920 --> 00:10:04.500 Anwar White, Mr: male and female, and so I do think that this was something that I was born with but to answer your question what was happening was I would obviously connected with the amazing women that I went to Columbia, with a on.
00:10:05.460 --> 00:10:10.650 Anwar White, Mr: When I would catch up with them everything else was going super well on their lives, except for their love lives.
00:10:11.040 --> 00:10:20.580 Anwar White, Mr: and basically being the type A person that I am I was like okay girl like I we can't do this anymore like this is ridiculous like we have to get this thing solved, and I was like i'm going to take your love life over.
00:10:20.850 --> 00:10:28.380 Anwar White, Mr: And we're going to figure this thing out and so that's exactly what I started doing with a lot of my classmates and before I knew what they were in these amazing relationships.
00:10:28.650 --> 00:10:40.260 Anwar White, Mr: They were getting engaged and getting married and literally word of mouth spread among you know business schools law schools medical schools and before I knew it, I was like well into business.
00:10:41.340 --> 00:10:43.140 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: wow that's amazing and.
00:10:43.860 --> 00:10:48.690 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Do that like how was that transition, but did you get any pushback from people originally.
00:10:48.900 --> 00:10:58.710 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Because, is it more of a sense that you have to tell them it's your idea that they need to get their life together, or is it and I don't want to use it like that, but their dating life together or is.
00:10:58.830 --> 00:11:04.680 Anwar White, Mr: wasn't more you can use it, you can use it as getting their life together, because how we do one thing is how we do everything.
00:11:04.830 --> 00:11:05.700 Anwar White, Mr: Right and so.
00:11:05.880 --> 00:11:09.180 Anwar White, Mr: If you're showing up in a certain kind of way in your love life you're probably showing up.
00:11:09.360 --> 00:11:18.240 Anwar White, Mr: In that kind of way in other parts of your life as well, so part of what I do is not just the dating part but also the relationship part and we have relationships everywhere.
00:11:18.480 --> 00:11:28.590 Anwar White, Mr: Right So yes, it is about how we relate to other people and how that how that represents their life I think i'm someone who is a straight shooter and if you know my my.
00:11:29.190 --> 00:11:35.550 Anwar White, Mr: Friends know me and they know that I have everyone's best interest at heart, but i'm also kind of keep it 100% roll with them.
00:11:35.790 --> 00:11:45.420 Anwar White, Mr: Right and and being able to do that, I think, has really engender trust with those initial friends that I was kind of taking over their love life and they knew that I was not trying to.
00:11:45.630 --> 00:11:51.570 Anwar White, Mr: steer them in a certain direction that was not going to be ultimately serving that the highest form of themselves.
00:11:51.750 --> 00:12:04.170 Anwar White, Mr: So I think that it obviously anytime you're doing something that you're not super familiar with, or you don't you're not super confident in there's going to be some nervousness beer, but also some excitement, and so I was, I think.
00:12:05.130 --> 00:12:13.860 Anwar White, Mr: You know, able to to continue to motivate them and to help them know that girl we're just gonna we're going to figure this out together right to have someone.
00:12:14.070 --> 00:12:22.500 Anwar White, Mr: To partner with them on this journey when maybe they that hadn't been a huge focus in their life, I think, was also something that was just also comforting for them.
00:12:23.040 --> 00:12:32.910 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Right and it's always good to have that little voice in the back your head as well, too, but let's talk about gender here like what made you decide to coach mostly women in particular.
00:12:33.180 --> 00:12:43.470 Anwar White, Mr: I love women i've always hung out mostly with women, I mean I grew up around women, so you know, for me, it was a no brainer because.
00:12:44.790 --> 00:12:45.210 Anwar White, Mr: it's.
00:12:46.320 --> 00:12:57.810 Anwar White, Mr: it's the work is also very personal to me and my great grandmother was married three times my grandmother was married three times my mother was married three times so, for me it was.
00:12:58.620 --> 00:13:05.070 Anwar White, Mr: This is a serious issue right, and this is an issue that I can help to change right and so.
00:13:05.700 --> 00:13:13.800 Anwar White, Mr: that's why I was focused on women and also women have given me so much right, whether it was my great grandmother cooking me breakfast every morning or.
00:13:14.130 --> 00:13:27.210 Anwar White, Mr: The girls and junior high that protected me from the people that wanted to believe me, because I was gay or my classmates at Columbia that were helping me get amazing jobs right and retail and fashion and luxury, which is why I got my MBA.
00:13:28.170 --> 00:13:33.720 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: that's amazing so would you coach them like is that be or.
00:13:34.350 --> 00:13:48.930 Anwar White, Mr: I have when when I first got certified as a relationship coach I was coaching everyone around the world and and I love talking to men too, but my focus is really on smart and successful women, I know it sounds really weird but.
00:13:49.950 --> 00:13:55.650 Anwar White, Mr: I really relate to them, especially smart and successful black women, because I think that.
00:13:56.220 --> 00:14:13.440 Anwar White, Mr: Even though I am a man I think how I was perceived was in a very similar vein right very Taipei very assertive in the professional realm, and so I understand what that looks like what that feels like and what how that translates to home life.
00:14:14.250 --> 00:14:24.480 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Because you were you were sorry thinking that you were you grew up watching these females in relationships right like you said, your mother your grandmother, and then the third woman.
00:14:24.540 --> 00:14:27.810 Anwar White, Mr: My sister's my aunties all of them, yes.
00:14:27.930 --> 00:14:32.670 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So you were sort of like I don't want to call it a watcher because that seems creepy like a kid watching but.
00:14:32.850 --> 00:14:33.930 Anwar White, Mr: Whatever yeah.
00:14:34.050 --> 00:14:34.920 Ella DeSosa-Butler: an observer.
00:14:34.950 --> 00:14:36.450 Anwar White, Mr: Right yeah very much so.
00:14:36.900 --> 00:14:42.420 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: So we're going to dig deeper into this when we go to break right now, when we return from break so hold on to that.
00:17:39.600 --> 00:17:48.570 Lillie Nkenchor: Welcome back welcome back you're back again with Anwar and where you said something in the first thing that was really beautiful to me about how.
00:17:48.900 --> 00:18:00.630 Lillie Nkenchor: You just love women and you relate a lot to women so probably already answered the question that i'm about to ask, but I know that there are some some person looking in and saying Okay, this is someone who's in a.
00:18:01.110 --> 00:18:13.560 Lillie Nkenchor: he's a gay man, he is married to a man How can someone in his situation give advice to me as a heterosexual woman, what do you say to people who have that hesitation.
00:18:14.220 --> 00:18:24.930 Anwar White, Mr: yeah um I think of finding a dating coach is just like dating you have to find someone that you feel fully comfortable with i'm not here to try to sell you on why i'm the best but.
00:18:25.110 --> 00:18:33.930 Anwar White, Mr: I will say that I think that my sexuality is actually a huge benefit for me because I get to understand both the male and the female perspective and heterosexual relationships.
00:18:34.200 --> 00:18:39.540 Anwar White, Mr: Right versus a female dating coach that I think most of the time I was really focused on the internal.
00:18:40.200 --> 00:18:48.570 Anwar White, Mr: And mail dating coaches that are mostly focused on the external what to text, how to flirt and everything like that my program and what i'm about is about all of that.
00:18:48.810 --> 00:18:57.390 Anwar White, Mr: So with me, you get all of that not one or the other but both, so I think that is I think an added benefit of working with a gay man, and I will just say.
00:18:58.170 --> 00:19:01.110 Anwar White, Mr: So after I graduated from Columbia, I actually.
00:19:01.740 --> 00:19:11.820 Anwar White, Mr: was head of strategy for guests Inc and fashion and some of the research that we did was how do we allow people to buy the most and to feel most comfortable in our stores.
00:19:12.180 --> 00:19:25.980 Anwar White, Mr: And one of the things that we found out is that our sales people and specifically gay men were able to help the women shop more because they didn't feel like they were being judged by other women and they felt that they had this level of inherent trust and.
00:19:27.270 --> 00:19:43.860 Anwar White, Mr: Overall acceptance right off the BAT that they could just say right to them hey I gained an extra five pounds right now and i'm looking for a dress that's going to hide that without any sort of judgment on from another woman or from a man right, so I think it's the same here as well.
00:19:44.670 --> 00:19:46.290 Ella DeSosa-Butler: that's interesting I can totally see that.
00:19:47.220 --> 00:19:56.760 Lillie Nkenchor: yeah I can see that, too, and you know what it reminds me you guys have probably seen this I have found that when men are kind of in the relationship advice dating sex advice, giving.
00:19:57.180 --> 00:20:04.740 Lillie Nkenchor: Some of them have like a hint of like massage me like you're trying to help you are you trying to make me feel badly about know.
00:20:05.820 --> 00:20:19.800 Lillie Nkenchor: there's sometimes you like does this man even like women, so I love the fact that you love and relate to women because i'd rather get advice from someone who I know loves me than someone who's coming at me from a critical perspective.
00:20:21.000 --> 00:20:28.770 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Exactly and someone who's coming at you, from the perspective of Okay, this is how you perform for men right because a lot of mad.
00:20:28.980 --> 00:20:29.490 Lillie Nkenchor: Right.
00:20:30.240 --> 00:20:31.560 Lillie Nkenchor: Yes, yes there's a lot.
00:20:32.370 --> 00:20:32.430 Lillie Nkenchor: To.
00:20:32.880 --> 00:20:40.380 Lillie Nkenchor: Do this where this trend, this game that and then you'll get your men and it's like so beat the complete opposite of what I am.
00:20:44.100 --> 00:20:52.530 Anwar White, Mr: What I know about this love game is that you have to be your hundred percent authentic full self so that people can have an opportunity to actually really love you.
00:20:52.830 --> 00:20:58.650 Anwar White, Mr: Right, instead of like you playing this facade and then two months later, the real you comes out and they're like who the hell is this.
00:20:58.980 --> 00:21:10.590 Anwar White, Mr: Right, and so I think going back to your original question being able to show up in this coaching relationship I think is important and working that muscle, of being my authentic self.
00:21:12.060 --> 00:21:13.020 Anwar White, Mr: As a client now.
00:21:15.840 --> 00:21:27.000 Ella DeSosa-Butler: I want to get into some some meat here i'm really about pitfalls of dating right, so one of the questions I have is do you find that.
00:21:27.630 --> 00:21:40.140 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Men are truly intimidated by women who are you know the higher up the professional ladder than they are more successful make more money is that just a fallacy, where do you see that.
00:21:40.860 --> 00:21:49.680 Anwar White, Mr: No, I think there are a lot of men that are that are intimidated by that right, I think we have men that are very much in their masculine energy and want to be that provider.
00:21:50.250 --> 00:21:59.070 Anwar White, Mr: I always use that 8020 rule, although that's kind of sliding now that things are changing more and women are more financially stable and more independent so.
00:21:59.250 --> 00:22:06.930 Anwar White, Mr: I think that there is a societal shift right now that's happening, where that 8020 80% of masculine men want to feel that way.
00:22:07.110 --> 00:22:12.030 Anwar White, Mr: it's starting to become less than less than last right as more and more women are financially independent but.
00:22:12.210 --> 00:22:22.230 Anwar White, Mr: For sure there are a lot of men that are intimidated by that and also feel emasculated by that right, and so, but I want to just let the women now that you get to choose.
00:22:22.680 --> 00:22:32.010 Anwar White, Mr: How you want to be in a relationship right you don't have to be in your feminine energy role I a quarter of my clients or a quarter to a third of my clients.
00:22:32.310 --> 00:22:39.570 Anwar White, Mr: make the choice that they are going to stay in their masculine role, because that is how they feel most comfortable that just means that your dating strategy has to shift.
00:22:39.750 --> 00:22:53.340 Anwar White, Mr: It means that you need to find men that are going to be able to truly support you and focus on you and hold down other parts of the of the of the relationship in the household right I think of like more creative people right even engineers.
00:22:53.760 --> 00:22:59.340 Anwar White, Mr: People who are totally Okay, with just being on the sidelines, while you're on the stage and you're the star.
00:22:59.700 --> 00:23:12.240 Anwar White, Mr: Right, so what that means, first, you have to make the choice, secondly, we have to completely kind of change and shift your your dating strategy based on the choice that you're making about how you want to show up in your relationship.
00:23:14.130 --> 00:23:14.670 Ella DeSosa-Butler: that's good.
00:23:14.940 --> 00:23:15.480 Lillie Nkenchor: Point so.
00:23:16.770 --> 00:23:18.210 Lillie Nkenchor: That i'm sorry go ahead.
00:23:18.780 --> 00:23:21.930 Ella DeSosa-Butler: No, I mean I mean I was just I was just saying that's interesting because.
00:23:22.410 --> 00:23:35.190 Ella DeSosa-Butler: It sort of like you have to make that you're sort of making a decision at the outset how you want to show up but i'm sure there's so much conflict there and we've spoken about this in the pod when we speak about relationships, because.
00:23:36.600 --> 00:23:44.610 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You mean you, you may want to sometimes you want to shift how you want to show up right like there, it seems like there's no like allowance for flexibility, really.
00:23:45.420 --> 00:23:49.410 Anwar White, Mr: yeah so here's what I would say to that, I think that.
00:23:50.130 --> 00:23:51.840 Anwar White, Mr: In the courtship phase and.
00:23:52.200 --> 00:24:05.610 Anwar White, Mr: In the early relationship Phase I do think it's important to set a sort of role we both we all have both masculine and energy, a masculine and feminine energy is right it's not like we have one or the other it's about which energy is going to be dominant for you.
00:24:05.970 --> 00:24:10.830 Anwar White, Mr: Ultimately, what happens is that in the relationship when you're in a committed relationship.
00:24:11.070 --> 00:24:21.660 Anwar White, Mr: A lot of those things mesh together and it starts to get closer to 5050 maybe never 5050 but closer to 5050 where maybe you're handling all of the finances right.
00:24:21.930 --> 00:24:27.300 Anwar White, Mr: And he's handling other parts of the relationship for the household whereas maybe before.
00:24:27.480 --> 00:24:37.920 Anwar White, Mr: It felt like he was the one that was maybe paying for everything now you're paying for more things within their relationship right so those things shift and even biologically and chemically right as women.
00:24:38.100 --> 00:24:45.840 Anwar White, Mr: That say have less estrogen and men have less testosterone what what I find is that at the 4050 year old mark.
00:24:46.050 --> 00:24:53.070 Anwar White, Mr: White women are really getting into their more masculine energy and men are actually getting more into their more feminine energy, which means that.
00:24:53.250 --> 00:25:02.190 Anwar White, Mr: they're going to be more home they're going to be gardening they're going to be doing all of these different things that they weren't necessarily doing when they were 20 and 30 right so to your point about.
00:25:02.670 --> 00:25:13.140 Anwar White, Mr: Being one way or the other toward like toward when a relationship is happening and at a certain point in age those things start to actually shift and actually go the other way.
00:25:14.040 --> 00:25:15.540 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And I just think i'm.
00:25:16.230 --> 00:25:17.430 Anwar White, Mr: Sorry yeah.
00:25:17.970 --> 00:25:25.080 Ella DeSosa-Butler: i'm getting that way so sorry to cut you a little lily, but I feel like in my 40s i've definitely stepped into my more masculine cell.
00:25:25.110 --> 00:25:26.820 Anwar White, Mr: yeah yeah rock on.
00:25:28.530 --> 00:25:40.440 Lillie Nkenchor: So do you think it's possible for a woman to say i'm going to be masculine in my career and in my business and feminine with my partner, can you hold space for both simultaneously.
00:25:41.010 --> 00:25:46.440 Anwar White, Mr: most definitely but again it's a choice right, and I think it has to do with trust and.
00:25:47.580 --> 00:25:58.230 Anwar White, Mr: Also, allowing which I think is really important, and that if you're in your masculine energy and in your professional life it's hard to do because you're the one that's in control you're the one who's.
00:25:58.470 --> 00:26:04.320 Anwar White, Mr: Making all of the choices, but in a relationship that that decision making process is is a joint.
00:26:04.650 --> 00:26:12.030 Anwar White, Mr: process right and so being able to do I think a lot of people think that just because you're in your feminine energy means that you don't lead.
00:26:12.420 --> 00:26:22.950 Anwar White, Mr: You just lead in a different way right, I think that there's a lot of conversation, and a lot of rhetoric around having to submit and that's not what being in your feminine energy is really all about.
00:26:23.430 --> 00:26:29.760 Anwar White, Mr: it's your your power is being able to accept and reject things in the relationship.
00:26:30.090 --> 00:26:40.020 Anwar White, Mr: and your man understanding that respecting that and finding something to actually do to solve, to make sure that you're happy right, so you I always say like.
00:26:40.290 --> 00:26:51.420 Anwar White, Mr: In your feminine energy you're in the passenger seat of the car with the GPS, with the waves on right and you all can't go anywhere without understanding the direction and the pace of the relationship.
00:26:51.720 --> 00:26:55.380 Anwar White, Mr: Whereas the the masculine energy drives the car right but.
00:26:55.890 --> 00:27:00.540 Anwar White, Mr: It doesn't necessarily mean that like being in your masculine energy means that you're leading.
00:27:00.690 --> 00:27:11.850 Anwar White, Mr: Or that you're the leader or you're the dominant person it just means that you're the one that's solving the problems you're the one that's thinking you're the one that's doing versus necessarily in the feminine energy it's all about.
00:27:12.540 --> 00:27:15.240 Anwar White, Mr: Leading with your emotions and your feelings and nurturing.
00:27:15.960 --> 00:27:17.700 Ella DeSosa-Butler: Like I.
00:27:17.790 --> 00:27:26.400 Lillie Nkenchor: Absolutely love that analogy like you just make had butterflies in my brain go off because i'm like oh i'm in the passenger, but I have the GPS okay.
00:27:29.370 --> 00:27:40.980 Lillie Nkenchor: And I love that you focus on masculine and feminine energy and how it belongs to both parties, because often, at least in Western culture it's assigned to a sex right, you have these.
00:27:41.490 --> 00:27:50.280 Lillie Nkenchor: physical characteristics air go, you must be masculine air go, you must be feminine and I love that you're reiterating that we have both and you get to choose.
00:27:50.550 --> 00:27:56.970 Lillie Nkenchor: when and where to use it and you're right a lot of times femininity is like soft and weak.
00:27:57.300 --> 00:28:07.950 Lillie Nkenchor: And people like us ln Keith and I, who are like no i'm not soft in that week, sometimes we can reject that title not realizing it's an actual very powerful title, if you read.
00:28:08.310 --> 00:28:15.000 Lillie Nkenchor: Working in your brain so i'm looking forward to us coming back from our commercial break, so we can continue that conversation.
00:28:16.410 --> 00:28:17.130 Thanks everyone.
00:28:21.090 --> 00:28:21.570 And my.
00:28:23.490 --> 00:28:24.660 Education and.
00:31:04.320 --> 00:31:10.800 Lillie Nkenchor: Welcome back everyone before the commercial break and why was schooling us about masculine and feminine energy, so we appreciate that.
00:31:11.160 --> 00:31:31.050 Lillie Nkenchor: um someone who's listening is and this might seem super superficial but let's say I am i'm masculine in my career, and I say I choose to be feminine in my relationship is there one thing or two things to do that, I can do to kind of tap into that energy more often, when i'm home.
00:31:32.430 --> 00:31:37.440 Anwar White, Mr: yeah um I actually think of femininity in three different ways right we have this like.
00:31:37.650 --> 00:31:49.320 Anwar White, Mr: lower level of them and and feminine energy where it's like we get super clean me and nagging and it's because we're making him the sun, the world right and we're putting a lot of emphasis.
00:31:49.590 --> 00:31:54.210 Anwar White, Mr: On him and what he needs and making sure that he's close to me and that.
00:31:54.960 --> 00:32:06.270 Anwar White, Mr: So that's like a first level of femininity second level is this miss independent what I think a lot of women of color have, and unfortunately what happens with that is.
00:32:07.230 --> 00:32:19.470 Anwar White, Mr: If a man doesn't see that there is opportunity for him to add value to your life if he can't help you if he can't be there for you, then he feels like he has no space in your life, and so, unfortunately there's so many.
00:32:20.670 --> 00:32:31.110 Anwar White, Mr: Levels of rejection that happens when we talk about our independence right, and so it takes me to my third level of femininity, to answer your question, which is all about.
00:32:31.380 --> 00:32:37.440 Anwar White, Mr: Being able to know that you can do it for yourself, but allowing him to do things for you right one.
00:32:38.100 --> 00:32:49.530 Anwar White, Mr: This delegation helps to take things off of your plate and off of your shoulders and to it also allows him to feel good about himself because pleasing you pleases him.
00:32:50.010 --> 00:33:01.500 Anwar White, Mr: Right so it's all about asking for help, I think ella was talking earlier about this inability or difficulty in terms of the actually allowing somebody to be there for her.
00:33:01.770 --> 00:33:12.630 Anwar White, Mr: Right, it is in those moments right your vulnerability your emotions that you allow men to be there for you right so asking for help, accepting compliments.
00:33:12.900 --> 00:33:22.500 Anwar White, Mr: right also being able to be vulnerable and share in your vulnerability of how you're feeling not not saying you're okay or fine because a man can't do anything with that.
00:33:22.920 --> 00:33:33.420 Anwar White, Mr: Right okay right that's why we do the highs and the lows in my session because you have to be able to save what's really high in your life so he can continue to motivate you to go to other an extra heights.
00:33:33.690 --> 00:33:38.400 Anwar White, Mr: or when you're low he can support you and being able to communicate in that way, I think it's really important.
00:33:40.470 --> 00:33:45.930 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Wonderful Thank you so much, you know i'm about I think we should just bring on more on for the rest of the team.
00:33:47.490 --> 00:33:48.450 Anwar White, Mr: I mean.
00:33:53.070 --> 00:34:00.540 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: But that sounds really telling because it's what i'm hearing from everything you're saying and more is really about knowing yourself.
00:34:00.720 --> 00:34:05.880 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: First, so I feel like you're the compass you're right here before you can direct and have the ways.
00:34:06.180 --> 00:34:17.010 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: and get on you know direct with the GPS, you have to know your internal compass first and where you lie your own abilities or your levels of masculinity and femininity as well too.
00:34:17.520 --> 00:34:27.480 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Right and where, how to recalibrate your own stuff like when you were talking about the lower level it's when you're nagging someone else you're looking for something from them external.
00:34:28.560 --> 00:34:28.950 Anwar White, Mr: yeah.
00:34:29.010 --> 00:34:36.930 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Exactly you're not finding within yourself so that's that's what i'm hearing and that's really great that you focus on that as well to really kind of know yourself before.
00:34:36.960 --> 00:34:38.040 Anwar White, Mr: And that's the work.
00:34:38.370 --> 00:34:43.020 Anwar White, Mr: yeah that's the work that's the work I always tell my clients it's about becoming.
00:34:43.350 --> 00:34:50.310 Anwar White, Mr: The best partner that you can be right that if you get the relationship, and if you get the marriage that's great and a lot of my clients do.
00:34:50.580 --> 00:35:00.180 Anwar White, Mr: And that's just the cherry on top, but you have to become the better person and the better partner, you can get a relationship, tomorrow you could lower all of your standards, and you can just get a guy and that's fine.
00:35:00.360 --> 00:35:15.450 Anwar White, Mr: Right that's not what this is about, this is about becoming the woman that you're meant to be right it's about becoming the partner that you wish to have and that you wish to be right so totally 100%, that is what the work is about.
00:35:16.440 --> 00:35:27.660 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Switching gears just a little bit on this Okay, because now we're doing that we're doing the work okay we're getting our levels we're getting a highlights we do in our lives now enters online dating.
00:35:28.830 --> 00:35:29.460 Anwar White, Mr: Yes, ma'am.
00:35:31.080 --> 00:35:41.610 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Now everybody's got a story about online dating Okay, I actually lost a bet when I first got on to online dating so I was against it and I had to lose a bet to get on to it.
00:35:42.030 --> 00:35:52.890 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: But there are people that have found their meet their people have found their husbands their men their girlfriends everything on online dating so talk to us a little bit about that.
00:35:53.430 --> 00:35:54.810 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: yeah that works for you.
00:35:55.620 --> 00:36:06.060 Anwar White, Mr: It is the primary way that I helped my smart successful and busy clients date right my clients are working 1210 1214 hours a day, so.
00:36:06.390 --> 00:36:13.290 Anwar White, Mr: They have to make sure that when they're actually going on physical dates that it's worth something which means that there has to be some filtering and some vetting.
00:36:13.950 --> 00:36:19.410 Anwar White, Mr: You know associated with that I can't you we can't just like have people run up on us.
00:36:19.800 --> 00:36:25.590 Anwar White, Mr: At a coffee shop and want your number and think that you're going to have time to entertain these fools right.
00:36:25.860 --> 00:36:40.050 Anwar White, Mr: Like no seriously, you have to make sure that these men are of high quality, which me and I have a whole way of how I I teach my clients to online day to make sure that they are only dating high quality men here right so.
00:36:40.410 --> 00:36:48.630 Anwar White, Mr: In terms of online dating I love it I think it's great I love that my clients can feel empowered to choose, instead of being chosen.
00:36:48.930 --> 00:36:55.380 Anwar White, Mr: Right, which I think is really important, especially in this day and age, in terms of really empowering you and your love life.
00:36:56.040 --> 00:37:02.250 Anwar White, Mr: yeah I love online dating I am huge fans of hinge and match, especially for women of color.
00:37:02.850 --> 00:37:12.990 Anwar White, Mr: All of the other places i'm not a huge fan of So if you are interested in online dating those would be the places that I would want you to go to i'm talking to you all, like to help my clients and the listeners as well.
00:37:13.860 --> 00:37:22.290 Anwar White, Mr: In terms of profiles right, I think that a lot of what happens for my clients, is that they.
00:37:22.890 --> 00:37:32.490 Anwar White, Mr: They lead with what they do in their accomplishments and maybe that's because that's how we've gotten attention and that's how we receive value so much in our lives so that's what we think are worth is about.
00:37:32.790 --> 00:37:36.930 Anwar White, Mr: But a man doesn't care about that he doesn't care one bit about your accomplishment.
00:37:37.320 --> 00:37:46.020 Anwar White, Mr: He wants to feel, and I use the acronym gas he wants to feel good he wants to feel accepted and he wants to feel strong around you right so.
00:37:46.470 --> 00:37:56.460 Anwar White, Mr: The profile needs to, I think, be very clear about what sort of things you like to do right to give him ideas in terms of where to take you out on a date.
00:37:56.850 --> 00:38:00.570 Anwar White, Mr: Right, I think it needs to speak to your hobbies and what you like to do and.
00:38:01.080 --> 00:38:12.630 Anwar White, Mr: I feel like a fourth grade teacher here but it's about showing and not telling right, so you don't want to say i'm a warm individual who likes who's fun loving you got to show me what that looks like right.
00:38:12.840 --> 00:38:23.310 Anwar White, Mr: If you've got to tell me i'm the girl who will randomly go roller skating on a Saturday afternoon or you'll catch me at karaoke with my friends and then we'll go to like you know.
00:38:23.520 --> 00:38:35.280 Anwar White, Mr: i'll have drinks on the rooftop right show me what that is instead of just tell me, because I think that's a huge issue that happens on a lot of a lot of profiles another thing that I like to say is like.
00:38:36.240 --> 00:38:47.010 Anwar White, Mr: Asked Questions in your profile right the the idea and the objective of having a profile is to get the first message it's not to find the husband right.
00:38:47.310 --> 00:38:55.590 Anwar White, Mr: So get the message and you asked questions in your profile to make sure that there's a question that they can grasp on to and actually answer.
00:38:55.890 --> 00:39:02.580 Anwar White, Mr: Right, so when you're talking about what places you like to go to ask them what's your favorite place in the city to go to on why right.
00:39:02.760 --> 00:39:11.010 Anwar White, Mr: When you're talking about when you are what sort of hobbies that you have asked them if they like to go hiking or if they're more of a city person right.
00:39:11.640 --> 00:39:14.070 Anwar White, Mr: So that you're engaging the reader right.
00:39:14.430 --> 00:39:25.770 Anwar White, Mr: Another thing that I like to say pictures right I what I see in a lot for my clients, is that they they they're showing a lot of pictures where they're traveling a lot right you got six pictures and five of them are.
00:39:26.040 --> 00:39:32.640 Anwar White, Mr: Different places that you're going to it's kind of like a not so humble brag which is kind of a turnoff but also girl we get it you.
00:39:33.120 --> 00:39:38.070 Anwar White, Mr: Love traveling but so does everybody else it doesn't tell me anything about yeah so like one travel picture.
00:39:38.340 --> 00:39:46.020 Anwar White, Mr: All of the other pictures needs to be around what your everyday life looks like because he needs to be able to envision himself in your life.
00:39:46.500 --> 00:39:53.220 Anwar White, Mr: Right, so a picture at a restaurant right if that looks like a date a picture at home when you're casual chillin.
00:39:53.490 --> 00:40:03.720 Anwar White, Mr: A picture out doing your hobbies right like it has to represent your entire life Okay, so I would say that about pictures and then finally rotation.
00:40:04.290 --> 00:40:12.300 Anwar White, Mr: rotate your pictures every month or so right make sure that there's a fresh situation going on, so it almost feels like a new profile for you.
00:40:12.570 --> 00:40:27.090 Anwar White, Mr: Also rotate your your your location right, even though, even if you have a really big radius even rotating your location, will give the algorithm new people to actually come into your sphere right so.
00:40:27.750 --> 00:40:35.640 Anwar White, Mr: I hope that's helpful for your listeners in terms of like how to be thinking about online dating and and yeah.
00:40:36.720 --> 00:40:48.840 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: So you're saying just have fun with it, regardless of what it is and it's just about getting the connection or that conversation, not to find your final dude but just to have that final does that start the conversation.
00:40:48.840 --> 00:40:54.240 Anwar White, Mr: start the conversation here's these dating profiles are just like resumes.
00:40:54.750 --> 00:40:55.140 Anwar White, Mr: Right.
00:40:55.320 --> 00:41:05.130 Anwar White, Mr: Their resumes you will never know who a person is based on a resume it's only when you talk to them in the interview that you can have any sort of semblance of understanding of if they can actually do the job or not.
00:41:05.310 --> 00:41:11.490 Anwar White, Mr: So I do not put a lot of emphasis and I tell my clients, not to as well, in terms of these conversations that they're having on the Apps.
00:41:11.790 --> 00:41:18.240 Anwar White, Mr: I like to have my clients have phone conversations with them, sometimes email depending on my individuals that i'm working with.
00:41:18.540 --> 00:41:36.180 Anwar White, Mr: And to first that and filter out these men and but it's not until we actually have a conversation that we actually are truly evaluating them about a potential match or not everything else is basically are you showing up are you at asking questions about me all of those different things.
00:41:38.550 --> 00:41:44.730 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So after you have found this person using this information and you connected with.
00:41:46.110 --> 00:41:57.120 Ella DeSosa-Butler: A great guy would, what are your what's your advice for how you continue dating right like when you met someone online, I mean one question I have is do you find that.
00:41:57.750 --> 00:42:02.040 Ella DeSosa-Butler: With a lot of the people that you work with it find partners online.
00:42:03.000 --> 00:42:11.190 Ella DeSosa-Butler: there's a lot, there are a lot of problems with a partner still online, you know, because when you when you find someone in that way it's almost like if something.
00:42:11.490 --> 00:42:18.600 Ella DeSosa-Butler: isn't quite clicking in the relationship you're like Oh well, you know there's 10,000 other people online that I can maybe sift through.
00:42:18.870 --> 00:42:19.200 Now.
00:42:20.670 --> 00:42:31.740 Anwar White, Mr: Two things on that one I have my clients dating multiple men, at the same time I call it Olympic dating they always have a gold medalist a silver medalist and a bronze medalist.
00:42:32.100 --> 00:42:48.570 Anwar White, Mr: And it is not until we actually have exclusivity that we stop that process right, and so, and with exclusivity comes the conversation about what's inbound and out of bounds in a relationship, and in that conversation should be.
00:42:50.040 --> 00:42:56.520 Anwar White, Mr: All of the APP profiles needs to be taken down right what it looks like to be to communicate to disagree.
00:42:56.700 --> 00:43:07.950 Anwar White, Mr: How are we going to communicate best how how often are we going to go on dates all of those things it's a verbal contract that you're having when it comes to exclusivity right and so many times.
00:43:08.460 --> 00:43:18.060 Anwar White, Mr: We don't have those conversations right we don't have those conversations, because you know I always I always think about junior high like if you're walking with the guy at the end of school.
00:43:19.020 --> 00:43:21.210 Anwar White, Mr: All of a sudden you're like together right.
00:43:21.450 --> 00:43:30.030 Anwar White, Mr: And it almost is like that in our adult relationships as well, where we're just kind of hanging out and before we know it it's kind of like we're together, but we don't have a really deep conversation about it so.
00:43:30.330 --> 00:43:33.990 Anwar White, Mr: That exclusivity conversation and the Olympic dating are the things that I would say to that.
00:43:35.100 --> 00:43:43.500 Ella DeSosa-Butler: I like Olympic dating that's good, because a lot of times when you're when I actually tell my girlfriends this when they're you know, trying to find that one.
00:43:43.860 --> 00:43:52.890 Ella DeSosa-Butler: That if they're dating somebody they're not exclusive with but there and they want to be exclusive with but they're spending all their time with them it's almost like you're.
00:43:53.400 --> 00:44:00.570 Ella DeSosa-Butler: you're shutting up opportunity right before you've gotten what you want right so definitely keeping the door open I like that.
00:44:00.630 --> 00:44:06.030 Anwar White, Mr: yeah I definitely have more to say about that, but I think we have to maybe have some commercials now.
00:44:06.630 --> 00:44:10.350 Lillie Nkenchor: we'll go to our next commercial and we'll finish up thanks so much yeah.
00:44:14.640 --> 00:44:14.970 yeah.
00:46:27.930 --> 00:46:29.100 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: Welcome back y'all.
00:46:30.480 --> 00:46:36.240 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: we're talking with Mr White, and right now we're really all we're all business women we're all business people.
00:46:36.510 --> 00:46:42.720 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: And this show is really about how to increase your productivity to also increase your business and in your personal lives.
00:46:43.110 --> 00:46:54.510 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: And so jumping into this and we touched upon this a little bit in the beginning of the show and where you have a business degree, where do you see the parallels between business and personal relationships.
00:46:55.140 --> 00:47:05.970 Anwar White, Mr: yeah good question I actually don't think that there are a lot of parallels, which is why business individuals right professionals have a hard time finding love.
00:47:06.210 --> 00:47:19.680 Anwar White, Mr: Because they're using those business principles in this realm of their life and it's completely opposite, I will say that the online dating is really just a branding exercise more than anything else, so I am like a brand manager for a lot of my clients.
00:47:19.710 --> 00:47:21.210 Anwar White, Mr: and helping them to.
00:47:21.390 --> 00:47:29.640 Anwar White, Mr: differentiate themselves from the market, but like I was saying before, this is about emotions, this is about.
00:47:30.690 --> 00:47:39.930 Anwar White, Mr: You know, when I think about this area of life and professional life and business right it's very different right.
00:47:40.980 --> 00:47:51.330 Anwar White, Mr: let's be 100% real here we're probably not 100% ourselves in the professional round right the way that we talked to our family and friends is very different than how we talk.
00:47:51.810 --> 00:47:59.340 Anwar White, Mr: In the office right yeah so we're so that's how it's different and vulnerability and emotion.
00:47:59.760 --> 00:48:07.650 Anwar White, Mr: we're taught not to be vulnerable and emotional in the office or that's weak or that's less credible right or less intelligent.
00:48:08.400 --> 00:48:17.070 Anwar White, Mr: vulnerability and emotion is how you create deep connection with a man right if you don't have that you will not have the connections with men.
00:48:17.700 --> 00:48:26.790 Anwar White, Mr: And you know I think business is about looking outward looking to the future, looking to the past, not necessarily looking so much at the present but looking at.
00:48:27.270 --> 00:48:33.720 Anwar White, Mr: What we can do with this problem and sort of really looking inward and what we can be doing with ourselves right.
00:48:34.170 --> 00:48:42.720 Anwar White, Mr: And that's again very different and the relationship and love space and then, finally I think professionally and in business.
00:48:43.050 --> 00:48:57.900 Anwar White, Mr: I think everyone gets paid boo coo box to make judgments right to to make quick an accurate assessment of situations and part of this love game is about observation.
00:48:58.410 --> 00:49:06.480 Anwar White, Mr: And not judgment, and I say that because acceptance is a really big part of relationships and love and.
00:49:07.290 --> 00:49:14.790 Anwar White, Mr: If you're not able to accept the people that you're dating even if they're not showing up for you, accepting who they are instead of trying to control them or the person.
00:49:15.180 --> 00:49:21.480 Anwar White, Mr: Who you're with and accepting all of themselves, all of them that the relationship is not going to work and ultimately.
00:49:22.260 --> 00:49:29.070 Anwar White, Mr: Accepting other people means accepting us, and in my work that is really the work that we do, and why.
00:49:29.340 --> 00:49:38.010 Anwar White, Mr: there's issues with the acceptance of other people right, I think we get very caught up at least the strong and successful women that I work with.
00:49:38.340 --> 00:49:51.660 Anwar White, Mr: about how do we make this better right, what are the things that need to improve how do I make this perfect and we get into this really critical mind space when in reality and love and relationship game, we need to be really focused on.
00:49:52.290 --> 00:50:07.230 Anwar White, Mr: How can I fully accept this person, even if they're not doing what they're supposed to be doing to be able to come and approach that situation in a way that makes sense that doesn't feel like criticism right but that feels like finding a solution together.
00:50:09.900 --> 00:50:24.540 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And I asked you Anwar so you you touched on that you don't really see many parallels you know in in business and personal and that some people conflate that and you think that's an issue, but can you like give examples of where you see.
00:50:25.530 --> 00:50:35.700 Ella DeSosa-Butler: People approaching relationships, the way they do in business, like you know that sort of in you know kind of throws everything off.
00:50:36.420 --> 00:50:46.200 Anwar White, Mr: Well, I think that sometimes people have frameworks or roles that maybe don't make sense right, I know there's like maybe sex on the third day or you know.
00:50:46.470 --> 00:50:55.140 Anwar White, Mr: You know if nothing's happening in three months to cut them off i've heard all of these different roles that help to try to like guard rail like.
00:50:55.890 --> 00:51:05.820 Anwar White, Mr: people's hearts and emotions right, but every connection is going to be different right so it's hard to put this hard fast rule on everything, and I will just say.
00:51:06.120 --> 00:51:12.120 Anwar White, Mr: That I always in terms of sex, I always encourage my clients and not have sex until they're in an exclusive relationship.
00:51:12.990 --> 00:51:21.300 Anwar White, Mr: Not because i'm trying to control their body or anything like that, but what I do know is that when a woman has sex with a man that they can become chemically bonded to them.
00:51:21.660 --> 00:51:32.430 Anwar White, Mr: Right, which makes it harder to leave them, even if the situation is not great, so I wanted to throw in that tidbit because I think sex is actually a very important part of dating and relationships.
00:51:33.390 --> 00:51:38.430 Ella DeSosa-Butler: And that's interesting that you say so, people are basically trying to project manage their relationships.
00:51:38.490 --> 00:51:42.660 Anwar White, Mr: kinda yeah with thresholds deadlines deliverables he has.
00:51:43.410 --> 00:51:48.480 Anwar White, Mr: This this this I have clients that give me timelines i'm like okay girl let's throw that away he.
00:51:48.840 --> 00:52:03.450 Anwar White, Mr: say I love you by this man, he has to visit my parents by this month I think it's important to have an understanding of where you want the relationship to go, but to have like specific like this is what we're going to do, I think, can hurt you more than help you right.
00:52:03.690 --> 00:52:11.310 Lillie Nkenchor: And I can understand why people have those in work, because, as we mentioned earlier masculine feminine energy if i'm used to.
00:52:11.730 --> 00:52:26.190 Lillie Nkenchor: Organizing my life in such a way in my business world or my career world, I think that applies to my personal world as well, and so it's hard for me to be go go make it happen and then switch to let's see what happens.
00:52:27.750 --> 00:52:37.680 Lillie Nkenchor: i've been receiving mode, that is a heck of a shift for many people, and so i'm glad that coaches, like you, exist to help us get that together.
00:52:38.010 --> 00:52:46.860 Lillie Nkenchor: Because we keep beating our heads, some of us and beating our heads against the wall not realizing that kind of getting in our own way, to a certain extent, this is not to.
00:52:47.190 --> 00:53:05.430 Lillie Nkenchor: Blame yourself for something, but just to say how do I contribute in what ways do I contribute in this situation yeah so that's that's a great point I love to know if there's one do or one don't that you think can immediately improve someone's romantic relationship.
00:53:07.830 --> 00:53:10.560 Anwar White, Mr: Are you asking like if they're dating or if they're in a relationship.
00:53:11.010 --> 00:53:23.460 Lillie Nkenchor: If they're in a relationship right well that's a great point so if i'm single and i'm dating what's one thing I can do to increase my chances of these having a conversation with someone who's a value or interest.
00:53:23.760 --> 00:53:29.760 Lillie Nkenchor: And then what's one thing I can do one thing in the relationship to keep it lively keep it going.
00:53:30.090 --> 00:53:34.980 Anwar White, Mr: yeah so dating I would say, keep actually stay consistent right.
00:53:35.310 --> 00:53:43.710 Anwar White, Mr: Understand that it's a marathon and not a race because smart and successful women like to do things and accomplish things quickly it's either zero or 100 there's nothing in between.
00:53:44.010 --> 00:53:55.020 Anwar White, Mr: right that people are going out 100 and then get burnt out and then start and stop and you lose momentum when you do that right, and you lose your your your dating wraps.
00:53:55.350 --> 00:54:05.100 Anwar White, Mr: Right, and so you have to actually kind of re re learn how to date, every time you stop so i'm saying stay consistent when it comes to dating because if you're consistent.
00:54:05.370 --> 00:54:12.720 Anwar White, Mr: you'll start to get results, I always say that nine of the 10 guys that you actually date will not be the one, but you have to go on 10 dates girl.
00:54:14.190 --> 00:54:26.670 Anwar White, Mr: Right, you have to do that, so this one date every two or three months it's not going to cut it or you're going to find a guy and two years, good luck right so in terms of relationships, I would say.
00:54:28.800 --> 00:54:43.740 Anwar White, Mr: be honest and be very clear about how you're feeling in the moment sometimes what will happen is and do it in a way, where people can understand what you're saying right I think communication is really important, in relationships and.
00:54:44.250 --> 00:54:59.580 Anwar White, Mr: Because, sometimes we can get overly emotional and the man just wants to appease the emotion and not necessarily hear the message, and so I want to make sure that when you're communicating that he understands what's going on, and there are different ways to do that.
00:55:01.590 --> 00:55:02.130 Nice.
00:55:04.680 --> 00:55:09.210 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So can we all speak about the takeaways that.
00:55:09.990 --> 00:55:20.160 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You know i've got like we've gotten from this because i'll say that one, the first one that i'm into is the Olympic dating I think more women should do that, I think, too many women who are.
00:55:20.730 --> 00:55:28.230 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You know, searching or you know wanting to get into a relationship they start dating and they too quickly, focusing on one person.
00:55:28.920 --> 00:55:38.220 Ella DeSosa-Butler: You know when they really should keep their options open it's Okay, because once you focus in you just you basically block out, you know any other sort of energy that could be coming in.
00:55:38.610 --> 00:55:45.720 Ella DeSosa-Butler: So I think Olympic dating is my that's that's the advice i'm going to take from you and more and give to my girlfriends when i'm speaking.
00:55:46.920 --> 00:55:47.820 Ella DeSosa-Butler: i'm going to steal it.
00:55:48.540 --> 00:56:02.610 Lillie Nkenchor: that's really good for me I love the advice that you gave encouraging women to choose the energy that they want to be in you can operate in both spaces, but choose one that you're going to be in when it comes to your romantic life.
00:56:04.410 --> 00:56:06.600 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: For me, it was the fact that continuous.
00:56:08.040 --> 00:56:23.910 Sankeetha Selvarajah Esq.: focus on knowing yourself as well to continue that conversation and it's an evolving conversation, so you just don't know yourself in January, like you've got completely check in with yourself as well, but thank you so much Anwar for your time where can people find you.
00:56:24.540 --> 00:56:33.930 Anwar White, Mr: yeah you can find me on my website www dot get your guy coaching calm and you know we can talk book a consultation and we'll talk about your love life okay.
00:56:34.470 --> 00:56:34.800 Thank you.
00:56:36.000 --> 00:56:37.290 Anwar White, Mr: Thank you all appreciate.
00:56:38.250 --> 00:56:39.600 Lillie Nkenchor: appreciate you Thank you.
00:56:40.020 --> 00:56:42.210 Lillie Nkenchor: Welcome, ladies.
00:56:42.420 --> 00:56:44.340 Ella DeSosa-Butler: bye see you soon.